– Additions and compilation by

– Original Source Unknown

German scientists dug 50 meters down in the underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25.000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone net.

Naturally, the Russian government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down they found small pieces of glass and they soon announced that the ancient Russians 35.000 years ago already had a nation-wide fiber net.

American scientists were outrageous. They dug 200 meters down in the underground, but found absolutely nothing. They happily concluded that the

ancient Americans 55.000 years ago had cellular telephones.

(Tip for Americans: 1 meter is about 3 feet 🙂

Three auditors were in the urrinal performing their mornin constitutional.

The first accountant finishes and walks over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeds to dry his hands very carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried. Turning to the other two other accountants, he says “At KPMG, we are trained to be extremely thorough”.

The second accountant finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes sure that he dries his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turns and says “At Ernst & Young, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough but we are also trained to be extremely efficient”.

The third accountant finished and walks straight for the door. “At Arthur Andersen, we don’t pee on our hands”.

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone -“to relax,” I told myself – but I knew it wasn’t true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don’t mix, but I couldn’t stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, “What is it exactly we are doing here?”

Things weren’t going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother’s.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, “Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don’t stop thinking on the job, you’ll have to find another job.” This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. “Honey,” I confessed… “I’ve been thinking…”

“I know you’ve been thinking,” she said, “and I want a divorce!”

“But Honey, surely it’s not that serious.”

“It is serious,” she said, lower lip aquiver. “You think as much as college professors, and college professors don’t make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won’t have any money!”

“That’s a faulty syllogism,” I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I’d had enough. “I’m going to the library,” I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with an AM station on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors…they didn’t open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.

As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. “Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?” it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker’s Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was “Porky’s.” Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed…easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

THE MOST DANGEROUS LIE IS THAT WHICH MOST CLOSELY RESEMBLES THE TRUTH

“It’s all very well in practice, but it will never work in theory.”

A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO standing in front of the company shredder with a piece of paper in hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is very important, and my secretary’s already left. Can you make this thing work?”

“Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I’ll just need one copy.”

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements:

• religion


• royalty


• sex


• mystery

The prize-winning essay read:

“My God,” said the Queen. “I’m pregnant. I wonder who did it?”

A confirmation student was asked to list the Ten Commandments in any order.

She wrote, “3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7.”

A confirmation student was asked to list the Ten Commandments in any order.

She wrote, “3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7.”

So far today, I’ve done all right.

I haven’t gossiped and I haven’t lost my temper.

I haven’t been grumpy, nasty, or selfish.

But in a few minutes, God, I’m going to get out of bed

and that is when I’m going to need a lot of help.

Amen

These four catholic crones were having coffee. The first catholic woman tells her friends “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”

The second catholic woman chirps, “My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him ‘Your Grace’.”

The third catholic crone says “My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he’s called ‘Your Eminence'”.

Since the fourth catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three give her this subtle “Well…?” look, so she says “My son is 6’2″; he has broad, square shoulders; he’s terribly handsome and dresses very well. Whenever he walks into a room, women say ‘Oh, my God…’.”

Two gentlemen were discussing the prospects of “looming” retirement. While one guy had lots of hobbies, the other fellow had no hobbies, and was rather concerned about being set loose with nothing to do.

The first guy suggested his friend go visit his kids. The man said, “Well, I only have two kids, but I could buy a motor home and go visit my brothers and sisters, that would take about a year.”

The first guy looked a bit puzzled, so his friend said, “I’m one of eighteen kids in my family.”

The first fellow’s eyes got rather large, contemplating eighteen children, so the man volunteered to explain.

“The problem was, my mother was hard of hearing.”

Puzzlement. Smile. “My Mom & Dad would go to bed at night, and my Dad would ask, ‘Do you want to go to sleep, or what?’ and my Mom would say, “What?”

Q. What do you call 100 bagpipes at the bottom of the sea?

A. A good start.

“Gentleman” defined: Someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn’t.

Q. Why do pipers walk when they play?

A. They are trying to get away from the sound!

Thought: How do you know when it’s time to tune your bagpipes?

Q. Why does everyone hate a bagpipes right off?

A. Saves time.

Someone once said, “You don’t PLAY bagpipes, you WIELD them.”

Q. How can you tell the difference between bagpipe songs?

A. By their names.

Q. What do you call a happy song played on the pipes?

A. Ha! Yeah, right.

BEAUTY IS ONLY A LIGHT SWITCH AWAY

-Perkins Library. Duke University

IF LIFE IS A WASTE OF TIME AND TIME IS A WASTE OF LIFE, THEN

LET’S ALL GET WASTED TOGETHER AND HAVE THE TIME OF OUR LIVES.

– Armand’s Pizza, Washington, D.C.

IF CLINTON WERE CAPTAIN OF THE TITANIC, HE’D SAY WE WERE

STOPPING FOR ICE.

-Smoky Joe’s, Philadelphia

REMEMBER, IT’S NOT, “HOW HIGH ARE YOU?” IT’S “HI, HOW ARE YOU?”

– Rest Stop off Route 81, West Virginia

BEWARE OF LIMBO DANCERS

– On the bottom of the stall door,

Women’s bathroom, Broad Ripple Brew Pub, Indianapolis

ROME WASN’T BUILT IN A DAY… THAT’S BECAUSE IT WAS A GOVERNMENT JOB.

– Women’s restroom. Cincinatti

I’D RATHER HAVE A BOTTLE IN FRONT OF ME THAN A FRONTAL LOBOTOMY.

– Bailey Howe Library, University of Vermont.

FIGHTING FOR PEACE IS LIKE SCREWING FOR VIRGINITY.

– The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LA

IT’S HARD TO MAKE A COMEBACK WHEN YOU HAVEN’T BEEN ANYWHERE.

– written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, AZ

IF VOTING COULD REALLY CHANGE THINGS, IT WOULD BE ILLEGAL.

– Revolution Books, NY

THIS BUBBLE GUM TASTES LIKE RUBBER. YEAH, BUT IS LASTS A LONG TIME. AND IT BLOWS GREAT BUBBLES.

– Condom machine. Missoula, MT

A WOMAN’S RULE OF THUMB, IF IT HAS TIRES OR TESTICLES, YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TROUBLE WITH IT.

– Women’s restroom, Dallas, TX

JESUS SAVES! BUT WOULDN’T IT HAVE BEEN BETTER IF HE WOULD HAVE INVESTED.

– Mens restroom, American University

IF PRO IS OPPOSITE OF CON, THEN WHAT IS THE OPPOSITE OF PROGRESS? CONGRESS.

– Men’s restroom, House of Representatives, Washington, D.C.

A story is told of two German men in the 1870’s who sneaked into the cemetery where Johann Sebastian Bach is buried. You must first understand that there is a rumor that Bach was buried with unfinished scores he was working on when he died, and these men were eager to see if they could be retrieved for their personal gain.

In the dark of night, they began digging at the gravesite and soon reached the coffin. But, as they cleared away the dirt, they began to see a small amount of light emitting from cracks in the coffin! They continued clearing until they could crack open the lid — only to find

Bach him-self, by the light of a small candle, carefully erasing the unfinished scores; note by note, line by line!

They just stood there aghast, frozen at the sight of the almost skeleton-like figure. They began to tremble, making their shovels clatter against loose stones among the dirt. Bach slowly turned his head up to the men, raised a finger before his lips and whispered, “Shhhhhhhhhhh! I’m…. deeeeeeee-commmmmm-pooooosing!”

Microsoft Corporation today announced its intent to purchase, copyright, and upgrade God Himself. The new product would be named, predictably enough, Microsoft God,” and would be available to consumers sometime in late 1998.

Too many people feel separated from God in today’s world,” said Dave McCavaugh, director of Microsoft’s new Religions division. “Microsoft God will make our Lord more accessible, and will add an easy, intuitive user interface to Him, making Him not only easier to find, but easier to communicate with.” The new Microsoft Religions line will be expanded to include a multitude of add-on products to Microsoft God, including:

Microsoft Crusades: This conversion product will bring all worshipper accounts and prayer files over from previous versions of God, or from competing products like Budda or Allah.

Microsoft God for the World Wide Web: This product ties Microsoft God with Microsoft Internet Information Server, making our Lord accessible from the World Wide Web using a standard Web browser interface. It introduces several new Web technologies, including:-

Dynamic Salvation and Active Prayer Pages (APP). Donations for the poor can be donated via a Secure Alms Server.

Microsoft Prayers: Using a Windows-based WYSIWYG interface, this product will allow worshippers to construct effective prayers in a minimum of time. A Secure Prayer Channel technology allows guaranteed delivery of the prayer to Microsoft God servers, and Prayer Wizards enable users to construct new types of prayers with a minimum learning curve.

Microsoft Saviour: This product will allow worshippers to transfer their sins to its internal Vice Database. After a preset interval, the product will erase itself from the user’s system and establish a clear line of secure communications to the user’s Microsoft God server.

Additionally, Microsoft is expected to announce a line of complementary products for the new Religions line, which will enhance the functionality of the Microsoft God server product by providing a customised user interface. These interfaces will be based on popular religious sects, allowing worshippers to interact with the new God product in much the same way as the previous version. This line is expected to include Microsoft Christianity, Microsoft Catholicism, Microsoft Judaism (incompatible with Microsoft Saviour), etc.

Competitor Netscape Communications denies rumours that it is planning to release a competing product, Netscape Satanism, that would attempt to render Microsoft God installations inoperable.