Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.

Novice Users. – People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.

Intermediate Users. – People who don’t know how to fix their computer after they’ve just pressed a key that broke it. Expert Users. -People who break other people’s computers.

Last week, I stopped by a local bank branch to open a business account. I had heard that this bank was offering $50 for opening a new account (which will be eaten up in a few months of fees, of course) and so I asked my accounts manager about this. He told me that I needed the coupon, which was printed in the Post, but is also given out of their ATM’s when you use them. (Of course, the ATM’s charge $1 to those who are not already members.) But I figured I’d still be $49 ahead, so I go outside to the walk-up ATM, and am given the option of withdrawls in $20 incriments. I choose $20, and am notified, “Sorry, this machine only dispenses currency in incriments of $20.” OK, I try $40 – same message! I bring out the accounts manager and repeat the process with the same result. I decide to try the drive through, and so we walk around the corner. I begin to do the process, when he says ‘Oh, here.’ and picks up someone’s discarded coupon from the ground. Geez!

I play keybaord in my church’s worship band; we have no drummer now, so a drum machine, and at times my playing “manual drums” (using the keyboard keys like a drum pad) make due. (I’m also a percussionist, so I can get away with it – kids, don’t try this at home!)

This morning during church, while the music director was PRAYING, I let my hand drop and hit a key on my keyboard. The next song I was playing “manual drums” on, and do you you know what note E3 is in the General MIDI drumset? A gong. A resoooooounding gong.

Well, I pulled my volume slider down as quick as I could, and luckly it wasn’t ~that~ loud that he couldn’t continue his prayer without missing a beat (no pun intended); “…Lord, thank you that you forgive our mistakes…” Afterwards, he told me it was all he could do to keep from laughing out loud right then!

Note to all prophecy buffs, the revelation of the TRUE anti-christ is now exposed.

It is Barney. Here’s proof:

1.Start with the given: CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR 2.Change all U’s to V’s (which is proper Latin anyway) CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR 3.Extract all Roman Numerals: C V V L D I V 4.Convert these into Arabic values: 100 5 5 50 500 1 5 5.Add these numbers: 666

There you have it, proof that Barney is the Antichrist! Please pass this truth on to every prophecy student you know. It is imperative that we get the word out before it’s too late!

I watched a man rush onto our plane at the last minute before takeoff. He spotted one of the few empty seats on board and silently sat down.

Later that night, though, he seemed bothered as the woman next to him fidgeted and got up frequently to use the bathroom. Still, the man never uttered a word. Feeling sorry for him, I quietly asked if he would like to move to another seat.

“My wife’s been annoying me for 20 years,” he said with a chortle. “There’s no sense in separating us now.”

A motorcycle cop had just pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign.

“May I see your driver’s license and registration please.”

“What’s the problem, officer?”

“You just ran that stop sign back there.”

“Oh come on, pal, there wasn’t a car within miles of me.”

“Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution.”

“You gotta be kidding me!”

“It’s no joke, sir.”

“Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution.”

“That’s beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn’t. Now if I may see your license and…”

“You’ve got a lot of time on your hands, pal. What’s the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?”

“Sir, I’ll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately.”

“I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down and coming to a complete stop.”

The policeman had enough. “Sir, I can do better than that.” He opened the car door, dragged the rude motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.

“Now sir, would you like for me to slow down or come to a complete stop?”

Our lager, Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink. Thy will be drunk, At home as it is in the pub. Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us our spillage’s, As we forgive those who spill against us. And lead us not to incarceration, But deliver us from hangovers. For thine is the beer, The bitter, The lager.

BARMEN.

Microsoft Corporation today announced its intent to purchase, copyright, and upgrade God Himself. The new product would be named, predictably enough, Microsoft God,” and would be available to consumers sometime in late 1998. Too many people feel separated from God in today’s world,” said Dave McCavaugh, director of Microsoft’s new Religions division. “Microsoft God will make our Lord more accessible, and will add an easy, intuitive user interface to Him, making Him not only easier to find, but easier to communicate with.”

The new Microsoft Religions line will be expanded to include a multitude of add-on products to Microsoft God, including:

Microsoft Crusades:

This conversion product will bring all worshipper accounts and prayer files over from previous versions of God, or from competing products like Buddha or Allah.

Microsoft God for the World Wide Web:

This product ties Microsoft God with Microsoft Internet Information Server, making our Lord accessible from the World Wide Web using a standard Web browser interface. It introduces several new Web technologies, including Dynamic Salvation and Active Prayer Pages (APP). Donations for the poor can be donated via a Secure Alms Server.

Microsoft Prayers:

Using a Windows-based WYSIWYG interface, this product will allow worshippers to construct effective prayers in a minimum of time. A Secure Prayer Channel technology allows guaranteed delivery of the prayer to Microsoft God servers, and Prayer Wizards enable users to construct new types of prayers with a minimum learning curve.

Microsoft Savior:

This product will allow worshippers to transfer their sins to its internal Vice Database. After a preset interval, the product will erase itself from the user’s system and establish a clear line of secure communications to the user’s Microsoft God server.

Additionally, Microsoft is expected to announce a line of complimentary products for the new Religions line, which will enhance the functionality of the Microsoft God server product by providing a customized user interface. These interfaces will be based on popular religious sects, allowing worshippers to interact with the new God product in much the same way as the previous version. This line is expected to include Microsoft Christianity, Microsoft Catholicism, Microsoft Judaism (incompatible with Microsoft Savior), etc.

Competitor Netscape Communications denies rumors that it is planning to release a competing product, Netscape Satanism, that would attempt to render Microsoft God installations inoperable.