The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree
that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

Getting what you ask for!

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked
her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring,
etc., when she interrupted him: “Hey look, I’m a vet – *I* don’t need to
ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what’s wrong just by
looking.” She smugly added, “Why can’t you?”

The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out
a prescription, handed it to her and said, “There you are. …Of course,
if ~that~ doesn’t work, we’ll have to have you put down.”

The Blood Test

Before I start studying for my blood test tomorrow, I thought I’d pull out
this list of medical terms. It really impresses those doctors when you know
all the latest medical terminology!

Artery

– The Study of paintings

Bacteria

– Back door to the cafeteria

Barium

– What you do when CPR fails

Benign

– What you be after you be eight

Bowel

– A letter like A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes Y

Caesarean Section

– A neighborhood near Rome

Cat Scan

– Searching for Kitty

Cat Scan

– What dogs do when they enter your yard

Cauterize

– Made eye contact with the nurse

Colic

– A Sheep Dog

Coma

– A punctuation mark

Congenital

– Friendly

D&C

– Where Washington is located

Dilate

– To live long

Enema

– Not a friend

GI Series

– Baseball between teams of soldiers

Grippe

– A Suitcase

Hangnail

– A coat hook

Impotent

– Distinguished, well known

Labor Pain

– Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff

– A Doctor’s cane

Morbid

– A higher offer

Nitrate

– Cheaper than the day rate

Node

– Was aware of

Outpatient

– A person who has fainted

Pelvis

– Cousin to Elvis

Post-operative

– A letter carrier

Protein

– In favor of young people

Recovery Room

– Where you have your upholstery done

Rectum

– Darn near killed him

Rheumatic Fever

– Amorous feeling

Secretion

– Hiding anything

Seizure

– A Roman emperor

Tablet

– A small table

Terminal Illness

– Sick at the airport

Tibia

– North African country

Tumor

– An extra pair

Urine

– Opposite of you’re out

Varicose Veins

– Veins which are very close together

The Medical Exam

Leonard desperately wanted to become a doctor and had really crammed for
his medical boards, so he wasn’t in the least fazed by the question: “Name
the three advantages of breast milk.”

Quickly he wrote:

1. 
   It contains the optimum balance of nutrients for the newborn child.
   
2. 
   As it is contained within the mother’s body, it is protected from germs and
   helps develop the child’s immune system.
   

Then Leonard was stumped. Sitting back and racking his brain until he’d broken
into a sweat, he finally scribbled:

     3.  It comes in such nice containers.

Managed Health Care FAQs

Q: What does HMO stand for?

A: This is actually a variation of the phrase, “Hey, Moe!” Its roots go back
to the concept pioneered by Dr. Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient
could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough
in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the finger poke with hi-tech equivalents
such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.

Q: Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A: No. Only those you need.

Q: I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor
I want?

A: Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer
will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating
in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors will
fall into two basic categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients
and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don’t
worry–the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients
has an office just half a day’s drive away.

Q: What are pre-existing conditions?

A: This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to
talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we seem to be pre-stuck with
it.

Q: Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?

A: Certainly. As long as they don’t require any treatment.

Q: What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A: You’ll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q: I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My
insurer reimbursed the doctor for my outpatient surgery, but I’d already
paid the bill. What should I do?

A: You have two choices: your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over
to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great
offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms and
frog hatcheries.

Q: What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?

A: Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

Q: What should I do if I get sick while traveling?

A: Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

Q: No, I mean what if I’m away from home and I get sick?

A: You really shouldn’t do that. You’ll have a hard time seeing your primary
care physician. It’s best to wait until you return, then get sick.

Q: I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle
my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant
right in his office?

A: Hard to say, but considering that all you’re risking is the $10 co-payment,
there’s no harm in giving him a shot.

Q: My pharmacy only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried
the generic medication and it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?

A: Poke yourself in the eye.

Q: What will change if the government takes over health care?

A: Your coverage will have the efficiency of the Post Office and the bedside
manner of the Internal Revenue Service.

Q: Will health care be any different in the next century?

A: No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.