*Incontinence Hotline…Can you hold, please?

*Lysdexia: a peech imspediment we live to learn with…

*If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help.

*Would the Standing Committee please sit down?

*43.3% of statistics are meaningless!

*The difference between tax avoiding and evasion is 10 Years.

*Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.

*A.A.A.A.A. – An organization for drunks who drive.

*Madness takes its toll; please have exact change…

*It said ‘Insert disk #3’, but only two will fit.

*For a REAL sponge cake, BORROW all the ingredients.

*Bacon & eggs – Hens are involved but pigs are commited.

*Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?

* |||||||//////__ __ __ __ __ The domino effect at work.

*Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

*Just fill out one simple form to win a Tax Audit!

*Paper clips are the larval stage of coat hangers.

*Grow your own Dope – Plant a Politician.

*Contents may have settled out of court.

*If idiots could fly, then this would be an airport.

*A day without sunshine is like night.

*A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago….

*Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch.

*Would you trust a POLITICIAN to run the country?

*Improve mail delivery… mail the posties their pay!!

*Treat each day as your last, one day you will be right.

*Old is always fifteen years older than I am.

*5 out of 4 people have trouble with fractions.

*I am the root of some evil… send some money.

*The buck doesn’t even slow down here!

*Don’t assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

*If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.

*Don’t be sexist. Broads hate that.

*Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience!

*The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

*Don’t question authority….. It hasn’t got a clue!!!!!

*Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.

*He who laughs last is S-L-O-W.

*Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!

*Multitasking = screwing up several things at once.

*Looking for a helping hand? There’s one on your arm.

*Don’t take life too seriously, it’s not permanent.

*Don’t Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

*The trouble with political jokes is they get elected.

*A conclusion is where you got tired of thinking.

*Nothing’s impossible for those who don’t have to do it.

*History is a set of lies agreed upon by the Victor.

*After four decimal places, nobody cares.

*One good turn gets all the blankets.

*Almost all loan officers have artificial hearts.

*Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

*War never decides who is right, only who is left.

*A job is nice but it interferes with my life.

*’Criminal Lawyer’ is a redundancy.

*Don’t worry: the answer’s at the back of the book.

*A crowded elevator smells different to a midget.

*Support the right to arm bears.

*We do precision guesswork.

*My life has a superb cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.

*Don’t let school interfere with your education.

*’Oh what a tangled web we weave’ – Hair Club for Men.

*Where there’s a will, there’s a lawsuit.

*A penny saved is a government oversight.

*Smash forehead on keyboard to continue…

*Shin – Device for finding furniture in the dark.

*How does AVON find so many women willing to take orders ?

*Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

*I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week.

*I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

*Mind Like A Steel Trap – Rusty And Illegal In All States.

*Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

*Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

*The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

*When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

*If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

*Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

*When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

*Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

*Black holes are where God divided by zero.

*Make a speech interesting, say: I stand here before you to look
behind you to tell you of something I know nothing about.