Star Trek Lost Episodes transcript.

Picard: "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your
attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been
able to access their command pathways?"

Geordi: "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by
searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing
technology."

Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

Riker looks puzzled: "What the heck is a ‘Microsoft?’"

Data turns to answer: "Allow me to explain. We will send this
program, for some reason called ‘Windows,’ through the Borg command
pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming
system resources at an unstoppable rate."

Picard: "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won’t they
alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

Data: "Yes, Captain. But when ‘Windows’ detects this, it
creates a new version of itself known as an ‘upgrade.’ The use of
resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not
be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing
ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal
operational functions."

Picard: "Excellent work. This is even better than that
‘unsolvable geometric shape’ idea."

… 15 Minutes Later …

Data: "Captain, We have successfully installed the ‘Windows’
in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all
resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the
expected ‘upgrade.’"

Geordi: "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg
storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication
of an ‘upgrade’ to compensate for their increase."

Picard: "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if
there is something we missed."

Data: "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in
the ‘upgrade.’ Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the
plan by not sending in their registration cards.

Riker: "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to
begin emergency escape sequence 3F…"

Geordi, excited: "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU
capacity has suddenly dropped to 0%!"

Picard: "Data, what do your scanners show?"

Data: "Apparently the Borg have found the internal ‘Windows’
module named ‘Solitaire’ and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

Picard: "Lets wait and see how long this ‘Solitaire’ can reduce
their functionality."

… Two Hours Pass …

Riker: "Geordi what’s the status on the Borg?"

Geordi: "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to
compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they
successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space
monitor beacon to transmit more ‘Windows’ modules from something called
the ‘Microsoft Fun-Pack’.

Picard: "How much time will that buy us?"

Data: "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predict an
interest time span of 6 more hours."

Geordi: "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

Picard: "Identify."

Data: "It appears to have markings very similar to the
‘Microsoft’ logo!"

Over the speakers: "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT
FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED
SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY
TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY."

Picard: "Why are the Borg not raising defenses?"

Data: "78% of Borg resources are currently being used in
attempts to break their ‘Minesweeper’ record."

Data: "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and
released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

Picard: "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!"

Riker: "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight
toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive
deep space?!"

Data: "I don’t believe that those are humans sir, if you will
look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something
recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases,
and wearing Armani suits!"

Riker and Picard together, horrified: "LAWYERS!!!"

Geordi: "It can’t be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent
hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

Data: "True, but apparently some must have survived."

Riker: "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it
with pieces of paper."

Data: "I believe that is known in ancient venacular as ‘red
tape’- it often proves fatal."

Riker: "They’re tearing the Borg to pieces!"

Picard: "Turn off the monitors. I can’t stand to watch, not
even the Borg deserve that."

… 2 hours later in the briefing room …

Picard: "Where did we go wrong to cause such a hideous
catastrophe?"

Data: "Sir, our archives on late Twentieth-century computing
technology indicate there was once a challenger to ‘Windows’ on earth
code named ‘Borg’. Later known as ‘OS/2 for Windows’.

Riker: "You mean this Admiral Gates thought the Borg were his
ancient competitors?"

Picard: "It would appear so." But whatever happened to
this ‘OS/2?’"

Geordi: "I believe I can help here Captain. ‘OS/2’ had many of
the features of our 25th century computers but this Admiral Gates
successfully gained unusual power from the Government through something
called a consent decree. With it, and a brainwashing technique called
"Marketing", he destroyed OS/2. He even combined these
tactics with the guise of a friendly investment to infiltrate and
destroy another competitor of superior technology called
"Macintosh."

Picard: "He did this without weapons?"

Data: "Not quite Captain, he had an early pre-cursor to our
phasors, something called ‘Vaporware.’ And there is no known defense
against this weapon. It could, potentially, still take over any system.

Riker: "Captain, if you’ll excuse me I’m feeling ill."

Picard: "Yes, Will, I think we’re all feeling ill. But this
incident must serve to warn us and the entire Federation how dangerous
it is to awaken this Admiral Gates and his monster ‘Windows.’ Geordi,
prepare an emergency report to Starfleet command. Briefing
adjourned."

No one notices that Data’s eyes glow a faint light blue flag…