Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. – Unknown

After a year in therapy, my psychiatrist said to me, "Maybe
life isn’t for everyone." – Larry Brown

Whenever I’m caught between two evils, I take the one I never tried.
– Mae West

When in doubt, duck. – Malcolm Forbes

You can’t depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
– Mark Twain

Television is democracy at its ugliest. – Paddy Chayevsky

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. – Erma
Bombeck

The best revenge is to live long enough to be a problem to your
children. – Unknown

My parents put a live teddy bear in my crib. – Woody Allen

Sex is natural, but not if it’s done right. – Unknown

Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn. – Garrison Kiellor

It is more fun contemplating someone else’s navel than your own. –
Arthur Hoppe

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.
– A.H. Weiler

Plato was a bore. – Friedrich Nietzsche

Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal. – Leo Tolstoy

What a beautiful fix we are in now; peace has been declared. –
Napolean Bonaparte

Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet. – Kin Hubbard

Show me a good loser and I’ll show you a loser. – Unknown

My toughest fight was with my first wife. – Muhammad Ali

I’m immortal… so far. – Earle Robinson

It is in the ability to deceive oneself that the greatest talent is
shown. – Anatole France

No individual raindrop ever considers itself responsible for the
flood. – Anonymous

Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they
will surprise you with their ingenuity. – General George S. Patton

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If
you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. – Socrates

Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets
divorced, she keeps the house. – Henny Youngman

A string of reproaches against other people leads one to suspect the
existence of a string of self-reproaches with the same content. –
Sigmund Freud

A citizen can hardly distinguish between a tax and a fine, except
that a fine is generally much lighter. – G.K. Chesterson

Mental health problems do not affect three or four out of every five
persons, but one out of every one. – Dr. Karl Menninger

The function of genius is not to give new answers, but to pose new
questions which time and mediocrity can resolve. – H.R. Trevor-Roper

There are more important things in life than a little money, and one
of them is a lot of money. – Anonymous

There is no stronger craving in the world than that of the rich for
titles, except that of the titled for riches. – Hesketh Pearson

The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Check
Enclosed." – Dorothy Parker

I never write "metropolis" for seven cents because I can
get the same price for "city." I never write
"policeman" because I can get the same money for
"cop." – Mark Twain

There is a great discovery still to be made in literature: That of
paying literary men for the quantity they do not write. – Thomas Carlyle

Blessed are they who have nothing to say, and who cannot be
persuaded to say it. – James Russell Lowell

He who would do some great things in this short life must apply
himself to work with such a concentration of force such that, to idle
spectators who live only to amuse themselves, it looks like insanity. –
Francis Parkman

They copied all they could copy, But they couldn’t copy my mind;

And I left them sweatin’ and stealin’, A year-and-a-half behind. –
Rudyard Kipling

If I could get my membership fee back, I’d resign from the human
race. – Fred Allen

You can pick out actors by the glazed look that comes into their
eyes when the conversation wanders away from themselves. – Michael
Wilding

If 50 million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish
thing. – Anatole France

If you took all the economists in the world and laid them
end-to-end, it would be a pretty good idea. – Anonymous

The Great Big Black Things that have loomed against the horizon of
my life, threatening to devour me, simply loomed and nothing more. The
things that have really made me miss my train have always been sweet,
soft, pretty, pleasant things of which I was not in the least afraid. –
Elbert Hubbard

Amusement is the happiness of those who cannot think. – Alexander
Pope

Words are loaded pistols. – Jean-Paul Sartre

The dinosaurs’s eloquent lesson is that if some bigness is good, an
overabundance of bigness is not necessarily better. – Eric Johnston

The taxpayer: Someone who works for the government but doesn’t have
to take a civil service examination. – Ronald Reagan

An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.
– Dylan Thomas

Women speak two languages, one of which is verbal. – Steve
Rubenstein

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition. – Timothy Leary

Woman are like elephants to me. I like to look at them but I
wouldn’t like to own one. – W.C. Fields

You’d be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap. – Dolly
Parton

The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the
morning, you’re on the job. – Lena Horne

Any new venture goes through the following stages: Enthusiasm,
complication, disillusionment, search for the guilty, punishment of the
innocent and decoration of those who did nothing. – Unknown

The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later
you’re hungry again. – George Miller

Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological
criminal. – Albert Einstein

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can
find a rock. – Will Rogers

The difference between a mountain and a molehill is your
perspective. – Al Neuharth

Golf is the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off. –
Chi Chi Rodriguez

No man can think clearly when his fists are clenched. – George Hean
Nathan

Here’s to our wives and sweethearts — may they never meet. – John
Bunny

There are only two ways of telling the complete truth: Anonymously
and posthumously. – Thomas Sowell

There is only one thing about which I am certain, and that is that
is there very little about which one can be certain. – W. Somerset
Maugham

I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. –
Jerome K. Jerome

I’d like to get married because I like the idea of a man being
required by law to sleep with me every night. – Carrie Snow

I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I
would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a
quiet place and kill him. – Mark Twain

There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without
result. – Winston Churchill

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are
composed entirely of lost airline luggage. – Mark Russell

I’m not an ambulance chaser. I’m usually there before the ambulance.
– Melvin Belli

Injustice is relatively easy to bear; what stings is justice. – H.
L. Mencken

Silence is argument carried on by other means. – Ernesto
"Che" Guevara

As scarce as the truth is, the supply has always been in excess of
the demand. – Josh Billings

It is impossible to feel the equal of someone who’s been awake
longer than you. – Mary Gordon ("Final Payments")

Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but
getting what you have, which once you have it you may be smart enough to
see is what you would have wanted had you known. – Garrison Keillor

Promise, large promise, is the soul of an advertisement. – Samuel
Johnson

Properly speaking, there is no such thank as educations. Education
is simply the soul of a society as it passes from one generation to
another. Whatever the soul is like, it will have to passed on somehow,
consciously or unconsciously, and that transition may be called
education. – G. K. Chesterson

If you pick up a dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you.
This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. – Mark Twain

You can’t use tact with a Congressman. A congressman is a hog. You
must take a stick and hit him on the snout. – Henry Adams

When you consider what a chance women have to poison their husbands,
it’s a wonder there isn’t more of it done. – Kin Hubbard

The most important difference between business and academia is this:
In business everything is dog eat dog. In academia it is just the
reverse. – E. John Rosenwald, Jr.

Man is a thinking animal, a talking animal, a toolmaking animal, a
building animal, a political animal, a fantasizing animal. But, in the
twilight of a civilization he is chiefly a taxpaying animal. – Hugh
MacLennan

As a member of an escorted tour, you don’t even have to know the
Matterhorn isn’t a tuba. – Temple Fielding

It is much easier to be critical than to be correct. – Benjamin
Disraeli

In American, an hour is about 40 minutes. – German Saying

Owing money has never concerned me so long as I know where it could
be repaid. – Colonel Henry Crown

Marriage is a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry
and the remaining chapters are written in prose. – Beverley Nichols

Bachelors know more about women than married men. If they didn’t,
they be married too. – H. L. Mencken

There is not money in poetry, but then there is not poetry in money,
either. – Robert Graves

Poets, we know, are very sensitive people, and in my observation,
one of the things they are most sensitive about is cash. – Robert Penn
Warren

You don’t have to suffer to be a poet. Adolescence is enough
suffering for anyone. – John Ciardi

People who read me seem to be divided into four groups: Twenty-five
percent like me for the right reasons; 25% like me for the wrong
reasons; 25% hate me for the wrong reasons; 25% hate me for the right
reasons. It’s that last 25% that worries me. – Robert Frost

Originality is the art of concealing your source. – Franklin P.
Jones

The command, "Be fruitful and multiply," was promulgated,
according to our authorities, when the population of the world consisted
of two persons. – Dean William R. Inge

One function of diplomacy is to dress realism in morality. – Will
and Ariel Durant

No man would listen to you if he didn’t know it was his turn next. –
Ed Howe

It is alright to hold a conversation but you should let go of it now
and then. – Richard Armour

One man with courage makes it a majority. – Andrew Jackson

Man is demolishing nature. We are killing things that keep us
alive. – Thor Heyerdahl

To limit the press is to insult a nation; to prohibit reading of
certain books is to declare the inhabitants to be either fools or
slaves. – Claude Adrien Helvetius

The great dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men
of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding. – Justice Louis D.
Brandeis

He led his regiment from behind- /He found it less exciting. /But
when away his regiment ran, /His place was in the fore, O. – W. S.
Gilbert

Personally, I’m always ready to learn, although I do not always like
being taught. – Winston Churchill

A neighborhood is where, when you go out of it, you get beat up. –
Murray Kempton

The only prize much care for by the powerful is power. The prize of
the general is not a bigger tent, but command. – Oliver Wendell Holmes,
Jr

A good catchword can obscure analysis for fifty years. – Wendell L.
Willkie

There is no future in any job. The future lies in the man who holds
the job. – Dr. George Crane

If people really liked to work, we’d still be plowing the land with
sticks and transporting goods on our backs. – William Feather

By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to
be a boss and work twelve hours a day. – Robert Frost

Nothing splendid has ever been achieved except by those who dared
believe that something inside then was superior to circumstances. –
Bruce Barton

Memory is a crazy woman that hoards colored rags and throws away
food. – Austin O’Malley

In my opinion, we are in danger of developing a cult of the Common
Man, which means a cult of mediocrity. – Herbert Hoover

I reckon there’s as much human nature in some folks as there is in
others, if not more. – Edwards Noyes Wescott

It is the mark of the cultured man that he is aware of the fact that
equality is an ethical and not a biological principle. – Ashley Montagu

There is only one thing that can keep growing without nourishment:
The human ego. – Marshall Lumsden

Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is
not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved. – William
Jennings Bryan

When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America
before the white man came, an Indian said simply, "Ours." –
Vine Deloria, Jr.

If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and
endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a
success unexpected in common hours. – Henry David Thoreau

Success is the one unpardonable sin against one’s fellows. – Ambrose
Bierce

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid. – George
Bernard Shaw

Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of
scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams. – Mary
Ellen Kelly

The truth is more important than the facts. – Frank Lloyd Wright

Wagner’s music is better than it sounds. – Mark Twain

The greater the number of laws and enactments, the more thieves and
robbers there will be. – Lao-tzu (604-531 B.C.)

Ideals are like stars; you will not succeed in touching them with
your hands, but like the seafaring man on the desert of waters, you
choose them as your guides, and following them, you reach your destiny.
– Carl Schurz

Never face facts; if you do, you’ll never get up in the morning. –
Marlo Thomas

I don’t care what you say, women make the best wives. – Dagwood
Bumstead

Husbands are like fires; they go out when unattended. – Zsa Zsa
Gabor

Genius is perseverence in disguise. – Mike Newlin

Love: Two minds without a single thought. – Philip Barry

Power doesn’t corrupt people, people corrupt power. – William Gaddis

All animals except man know that the principal business of life is
to enjoy it. – Samuel Butler

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves
himself. – Josh Billings

The trouble with a kitten is That Eventually it becomes a Cat. –
Ogden Nash

Human beings are the only animals of which I am throughly and
cravenly afraid. – George Bernard Shaw

Laws are sand, customs are rock. Laws can be evaded and punishment
escaped, but an openly transgressed custom brings sure punishment. –
Mark Twain

An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An
inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered. – G.K. Chesterson

Woman’s liberation is just a lot of foolishness. It’s the men who
are discriminated against. They can’t bear children. And no one’s
likely to do anything about that. – Golda Meir

The man who regards his own life and that of his fellow creatures as
meaningless is not merely unfortunate, but almost disqualified for life.
– Albert Einstein

There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about,
and that is not being talked about. – Oscar Wilde

This is the last one. – Ron VanAbrahams