1 . Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a
fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can’t have
your kayak and heat it, too.

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood
and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields
and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as
the lesser of two weevils.

3. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles
up to the bar and announces: "I’m looking for the man who shot my
paw."

4. This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while
in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he
says,"I’ll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a
while later and it’s served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter,
"What’s with the hubcap?" The waiter says, "Well, there’s
no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."

5. When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

6. A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much
for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

7. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist’s
Novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental
medication.

8. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them
to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in
an open foyer."

9. A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a
hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and
would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One
afternoon, as the end of he work day approached, the bartender was
dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly,
he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the
bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink
and exclaimed, "This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!"

"No, I’m sorry," replied the bartender, "it’s a
hickory daiquiri, doc."

10. A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for
something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree
and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The
lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.

Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers
cramp.

11. There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent
in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would
win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

12. A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these
alternating recurring dreams. First I’m a tepee; then I’m a wigwam;
then I’m a tepee; then I’m a wigwam. It’s driving me crazy. What’s wrong
with me?"

The doctor replies: "It’s very simple. You’re two tents.