The Woman In The Choir

Did you hear about the woman in the choir that was hit in the head with a
hymnal that was thrown from the congregation? She said, “Throw another one, I can
still hear the preacher!”

The Lighter Side

How many church members does it take to change a
light bulb? “Change? What do you mean change? My grandmother gave the church that
light bulb!”

How many nursery workers does it take to change a light bulb? “They don’t
change anything. They wait for the parents to come by after church!”

How many singers does it take to change a light bulb? “Only one, but she’ll
need six weeks preparation and will get upset if you don’t put her name in the
bulletin.”

Then on the other hand… How many atheists does it take to change a light
bulb? Who knows! They’re standing in the dark arguing whether the light bulb
exists or not!

The Gravestone Message

The following caption was found written on a
gravestone… “As I am now, you soon shall be, So be content to follow me.”

Then someone taped the following note on that gravestone… “To follow you
I’m not content, until I know which way you went!”

Duck Food

A duck walks into a store and asks the guy behind the counter for duck food.
“Don’t have any duck food. Just dog food and cat food.” “Okay, thanks,” the duck
says, and leaves.

The next day the duck comes back. “Got any duck food?” he asks. “I told you
— only dog food and cat food.” “Okay, thanks.”

The next day the duck shows up again, asking for duck food. Now the man
behind the counter is annoyed. “I’ve told you for three days running, we don’t
carry duck food.” “Okay, thanks.”

The fourth day, here comes the duck. “I’m looking for the duck food section.”
The counterman blows his stack. “You come in here one more time and ask for duck
food, and I’ll nail your webbed feet to the floor. You got that?”

Next day the duck shows up again. “What do you want?” the counterman asks
threateningly.

“Um, got any nails?” the duck says. “No, no nails.” “Okay, got any duck
food?”

You might be a preacher if…

…You’ve ever asked for the clergy discount at a garage sale.

…You’ve ever received an anonymous “U-Haul” gift certificate.

…You’ve ever spoken for free and were worth every penny of it.

…Anyone’s ever thanked you for curing their insomnia.

…Instead of getting “ticked off” you get “grieved in your spirit.”

…You’ve ever fantasized about “re-baptizing” a deacon.

…You’ve ever been asked, “So, what do you do the rest of the week?”

…”daycare” and “lawsuit” are synonymous terms.

…Vacation Bible School is no vacation.

…Your sermons have a happy ending… everybody’s happy when it ends.

…You’ve ever dreamed you were preaching only to awaken and discover you
were.

The Neighbor

Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson’s house, Robinson knew he
was coming to borrow something. “He won’t get away with it this time,” muttered
Robinson to his wife. “Watch this.”

“Er, I wonder if you’d be using your power-saw this morning,” the neighbor
began.

“Gee, I’m awfully sorry,” said Robinson with a smug look. “But the fact of
the matter is, I’ll be using it all day.” “In that case,” said the neighbor, “you
won’t be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?”

Farmer’s Weather Vane

An old farmer was sitting on his porch, holding a small piece of rope.

His nguest, a city man, asked, “What’s the rope for?”

The farmer said, “It’s my weather vane.”

“How can you tell weather with that thing?” asked the city man. “When it goes
from side to side, it’s windy. When it’s wet, it’s raining.”