Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone
flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys and
I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy. The kids they weren’t talking to me or my
wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives. My wife couldn’t
argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.

When out in the yard the dog started barking, I stood up and looked and I saw
Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, “Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws and I got a
complaint here from a feller named Claus.” I said, “Claus, I don’t know nobody
named Claus, and you ain’t taking me in without probable cause.” Then the Sheriff
he said, “The man was shot at last night.” I said, “That might have been me, just
what’s he look like.” The Sheriff replied, “Well he’s a jolly old feller, with a
big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He
sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry.” I said, “Sheriff that sounds like
my wife’s sister Sherri.” “It’s no time for jokes Roy” the Sheriff he said. “The
man I’m describing in dressed all in red. I’m here for the truth now, it’s time
to come clean. Tell me what you’ve done, tell me what you’ve seen.” Well I
started to lie then I thought what the hell, it wouldn’t have been the first time
that I’ve spent New Years in jail.

I said, “Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I thought that my wife
had been drinking again.” When she walked in from work she was as white as a
ghost. I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO’s. But she said that a bunch
of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on the roof of our good
neighbour Red. Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a
freezer full of venison standing right on Red’s gutter. Well my hands were a
shaking as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red’s chimney this feller did run. And
slung on his back was this bag over flowing. I thought he stolen Red’s stuff
while old Red was out bowling’. So I yelled, “Drop fat boy, hands in the air!”
But he went about his business like he hadn’t a care. So I popped a warning shot
over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled. And as he
flew off I heard him extort, “That’s assault with intent Roy, I’ll see ya in
court.”