Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and
decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take
to prepare themselves for the real life experience of being a mother or father.

1) (Women) To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a
beanbag chair down the front. Leave it there for nine months. After nine months,
remove 10% of the beans.

2) (Men) To prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip the
contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself.
Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their
head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.

3) Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are
already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of
patience, apallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their
children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s
sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior. Enjoy
it–it’s the last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.

4) To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room from 5pm till
10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds. At 10pm put the bag
down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12am and walk around
the living room again with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you
can’t go back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get
up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark till 4am. Put
the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look
cheerful.

5) Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter
onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick behind the stereo and
leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them
on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. There, how does that look?

6) Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems. First buy an octopus
and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of
the arms hang out. Time allowed for this: all moring.

7) Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it
into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube. Using only scotch tape and a
piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping
pong ball, and an empty packet of COCO Puffs and make an exact replica of the
Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the play
group committee.

8) Forget the Miata and buy the minivan. And don’t think you can leave it
out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that. Buy
a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size bag of
chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both
sides of the car. There! Perfect!

9) Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the
front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the
front path. Walk back up it again. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the
road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used
chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps.
Scream that you’ve had as much as you can stand until all of the neighbors come
out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about
ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

10) Always repeat everything you say at least five times. Go to your local
supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child.
A fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take
more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of
your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily
accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.

11) Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the
ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Froot Loops and
attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap,
making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a
12-month-old child.

12) Learn the names of every character from Barney, Sesame Street, and Power
Rangers. When you find yourself singing, “I love you, you love me” at work, now
you finally qualify as a parent!

– Original Source Unknown