Real Men

Note: All “real men” answer “C” to all of these questions. Know this, and you
will have come far in understanding us and enriching your own life.

1.
Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you
are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they
present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of
curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out
hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over
the entire Earth. You decide to:

A.
Present it to the President of the United States.
B.
Present it
to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C.
Take it apart.

2.
As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss
the most?

A.
Innocence.
B.
Idealism.
C.
Cherry bombs.

3.
When is it okay to kiss another male?

A.
When you wish to display simple and pure affection without Regard for
narrow-social conventions.
B.
When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
C.
When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is then only really
sporting way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him
killed.

4.
What about hugging another male?

A. If he’s your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
B. If
you’re performing the Heimlich maneuver.
C. If you’re a professional baseball
player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him
provided that: (1) He is legally within the base path, (2) Both of you are
wearing sufficient protection, and (3) You also pound him fraternally with your
fist hard enough to cause fractures.

5.
In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.

6.
You have been seeing a woman for several years. She’s attractive and
intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon
the two of you are taking it easy-you’re watching a football game; she’s reading
the papers-when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, she tells you that she
thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not
knowing where your relationship is going. She says she’s not asking whether you
want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future
together. What do you say?

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don’t
want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you
cannot honestly say that you’ll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
commitment, and you don’t want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C.
That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.

7.
Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to
spend the rest of your life with her -sharing the joys and the sorrows the world
has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You
take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns
to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell
her.
C. Tell her what?

8.
One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get
your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

A. “Do they need to eat or anything?”
B. “They’re in school already?”
C. “There are three of them?”

9.
When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran socks?

A.. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so
large that you’re not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected sock molecules and has to be
handled with tweezers.
C.
It is never okay to throw away veteran socks. A
real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody-and we are not naming
names, but this would be his wife -is quietly trying to discard his underwear,
which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate
relationship with it than with her.

10.
What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact
that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they
finally got to the Promised Land?

A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the
Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for
directions.

11.
What is the human race’s single greatest achievement?

A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. The Remote control.