These are real extracts from letters to the DHSS (in England: who are they?)

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as my wife is
about to become an expectant mother.

The toilet is blocked and we can’t bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send someone to mend our broken path as my wife tripped and
fell on it and she is now pregnant.

Our kitchen floor is very damp and we have two children and we would like a
third so will you please send somebody round to do something about it.

Would you please repair our toilet. My son pulled the chain and the box fell
on his head.

In reply to your letter, I have already cohabited with your officer with no
results so far.

I am pleased to inform you that my husband who was reported missing, is dead.

Mrs. Adams has asked me to collect her money as she is going in to hospital
to have her overtures out.

Sir, I am forwarding my marriage certificate and two children – one of which
is a mistake as you will see.

My husband is diabetic and has to take insolence regular but he finds he is
lethargic to it.

Unless I get my husbands maintenance money soon I shall be obliged to live an
immortal life.

The children have been off school because there is a lot of measles about and
I had them humanised.

You have changed my little boy into a little girl. Will this matter?

Mrs Brown only THINKS she’s ill, but believe me she is nothing but a
hypodermic.

In accordance with your instructions I have given birth to twins in the
enclosed envelope.

I do not get any money from my son. He is in the army and his regiment is at
present manuring on Salisbury plain.

Milk is wanted for my baby and the father is unable to supply it.

Re your dental enquiry. The teeth on top are alright but those on my bottom
are hurting dreadfully.

I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is a lie
as I married his father a week before he was born.

The lavatory is blocked. This is caused by the boys next door throwing balls
on the roof.

This is to let you know there is a smell coming from the man next door.

The toilet seat is cracked – where do I stand?