Man : You remind me of the sea.
Woman : Because I’m wild, romantic and exciting?
Man : NO, because you make me sick.

Wife : You tell a man something: it goes in one ear and comes out of the
other.
Husband : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes
out of
the mouth.

Mary : John says I’m pretty. Andy says I’m ugly. What do u think, Peter?
Peter : Oh, they are both wrong, I think you’re “pretty” ugly.

Peter : Mom, does God use our bathroom?
Mother : No, Peter. Why?
Peter : Because Daddy bangs on the door every morning :
and yells, “Oh god, are you still there?”

Sam : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I have a comfortable
seated.
Lily : So what do you do?
Sam : I close my eyes.

Teacher : Have you given the goldfish fresh water?
Pupil : No, Sir. They haven’t finished the water I gave them last week.

Man : I’m new around here. Will you please direct me to the bank?
Little boy : I will, but only if you pay me ten dollars.
Man : Why should I pay you so much?
Little boy : Because bank directors are always highly paid.

An applicant was filling out a job application.
When he came to the question, “Have you ever been arrested?”
He answered, “No.”
The next question, intended for people, who had answered in the affirmative
to the last one, was “Why?”
The applicant answered it anyway: “Never got caught.”

Employer to applicant: “In this job we need someone who is responsible.”
Applicant: “I’m the one you want. On my last job, every time
anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”