ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you
because someone has printed gibberish all over it and
put your name at the top.
– English Professor, Ohio University

ON MARTIAL ARTS AND METAPHYSICS
Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you’ve been
kicked in the head like this before.

ON HUMILITY
To err is human, to moo bovine.

ON DEEP THOUGHTS
A day without sunshine is like night.

ON MATHEMATICAL TRANSFORMS
A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a co-ordinate transform.

ON YOUTH
Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but
that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy.
In a jar. On my desk. –
Steven King

ON PROBLEM SOLVING
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem
begins to resemble a nail.
– Abraham Maslow

ON MATERIALISM
He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.

ON RELIGIOUS PRACTICES
Neutrinos have mass? I didn’t know they were Catholic.

ON INFINITY
If you had everything, where would you keep it?

ON ECONOMICS
The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.

ON REVISIONIST HISTORY
What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?

ON DATING
When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the
occasional division by zero.

ON MATERIAL SCIENCE
Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.

ON EXTINCTION
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

ON LITERATURE
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should
be thrown with great force.
– Dorothy Parker

ON EXPLANATION OF THE END
One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire
was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate
successful termination of their C programs.
– Robert Firth

ON PROPHECY
The meek shall inherit the earth — they are too weak to refuse.

ON NUMBERS
Grabel’s Law: 2 is not equal to 3 — not even for very
large values of 2.

ON WORLD POLITICS
Diplomacy is the art of saying “nice doggy” until you can
find a rock.

AND FINALLY, ON DRUGS AND DEVELOPMENT
There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD
and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.