I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as
they get older – then it dawned on me….. they were cramming for their finals!

You know when people see a cat’s litter box, they always say, “Oh, have you
got a cat?” Just once I wanted to say, “No, it’s for company!”

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and
forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps, toothpicks?

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an
emergency. I think you should write . . . A Good Doctor!

If you jogged backward . . . would you gain weight?

Wonder what you call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp?

You have to stay in shape! My grandmother…she started walking five miles a
day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where she is.

Have you ever noticed…. Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day
you’re off it.

Don’t spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army
instead. They’ll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for
seventy-five cents.

If you don’t think women are explosive, drop one.