Oy, you’ll laugh…

All the major Jewish holidays really have one basic reason for celebration: "They
tried to kill us, we survived, let’s eat."

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What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother?

Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

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A young Jewish Man calls his mother and says, "Mom, I’m bringing home a wonderful
woman I want to marry. She’s a Native American and her name is Shooting Star."

How nice," says his mother.

I have an Indian name too," he says. "It’s Running Water" and you have
  to call me that from now on."

How nice," says his mother.

"You have to have an Indian name too, Mom

I already do," says the mother. "Just call me Sitting Shiva".*

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A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"

Not too good," says the mother. "I’ve been very weak."

The son says, "Why are you so weak?"

She says, "Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.

The man says, "That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?"

The mother answers, "Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food if you
should call."

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Jewish view on when life begins: There’s a big controversy on when life begins. In
Jewish tradition the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical
school.

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A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he’s been given a part in the
school play.

"Wonderful. What part is it?"

The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."

The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking
part."

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Jewish Telegram:

Begin worrying. Details to follow.

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*Shiva – the 7 day period of mourning after the death of a loved one.