"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because
it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have
photographs of her." –Ellen DeGeneres

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. ‘You know a
cow was murdered for that jacket?’ she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, ‘I didn’t
know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too."  –Jake Johansen

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either." –Dick
Cavett

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can
find Kuwait."  –A. Whitney Brown

"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don’t eat pork. I’m sorry,
what was that last one?? Don’t eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is
that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?" –Jon Stewart

"If God doesn’t destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an
apology."  –Jay Leno

"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and
threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’"
  –Paula Poundstone

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single
file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"
  –Warren Hutcherson

"I voted for the Democrats because I didn’t like the way the Republicans were
running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop
your headache."  –Jack Mayberry

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than
men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." –Conan O’Brien

"I don’t know what’s wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the
Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman."  
–Bruce Baum

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it’s man’s ability to use language
that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there’s one
other thing that separates us from animals. We aren’t afraid of vacuum cleaners."
  –Jeff Stilson

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs
spend their lives." –Sue Murphy

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering
from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then
it’s you." –Rita Mae Brown

"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing:
‘This looks much better on.’ On what? On fire?" –Rita Rudner

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image
there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t
your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
–Jerry Seinfeld

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people
make up 75 percent of the population." –David Letterman

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
–Lily Tomlin

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty
impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to
fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s
go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe
clippers right here.’"  –Jerry Seinfeld

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger
and I realize, Oh my….I could be eating a slow learner." —–?????

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, ‘You’ll never
find anyone like me again!’ I’m thinking, ‘I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why
would I want someone like you?’ –Larry Miller

"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed
together. Solution? I sent them to her dad." –Christopher Case

"Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat it like
one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’
notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find
you a temp."  –Bob Ettinger