Smile. It’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.

If vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of?

No guts, no glory; no brain, same story.

Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.

Cocaine is Gods way of telling you that you make too much money.

If everything is going well, you don’t know what the hell is going on.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

Duct tape is like the force; there is a light and a dark side and it holds the universe
together.

There are three kinds of people; those who can count and those who cannot.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents, it is how he found out.

My homework is like a juicy steak-rarely done

There are two kinds of pedestrians–the quick and the dead.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If at first you don’t succeed give up! No use being a damn fool.

Falling in love is awfully simple. Falling out of love is simply awful.

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the
time, but you can’t fool mom.

No job is so simple that is can’t be done wrong.

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

Only adults have difficulty with childproof bottles.

Everything is possible except skiing through revolving doors