[from Jewish Humor List]

KING DAVID ADMITS TO ADULTERY, MURDER OF SERVANT

By Dwayne Eutsey

Staff Scribe

Jerusalem–In a stunning admission of guilt last night King David acknowledged that he
had an "inappropriate relationship" with Bathsheba, the wife of his loyal
servant Uriah the Hittite, which resulted not only in her pregnancy but in the betrayal
and murder of Uriah as he fought in the Royal Army during the Ammonite War.

David made the confession after it was clear that his confidant Nathan T. Prophet, who
had been subpoenaed by independent counsel H.A. Seytan, would cooperate with the
investigation into the affair. It is rumored that Prophet has received inside information
from a source in "high places" about David’s involvement in the scandal.

"Have mercy on me, O God," a contrite David said in his speech. "Wash me
thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin." While some believe the
sincerity of his plea, many question whether David’s confession is just another "song
and dance" he has written for inclusion in his growing collection of Psalms. Temple
insiders admit that because of the "immoral" nature of David’s actions, they are
now debating whether his Book of Psalms can even be included in the sacred canon.

Independent Counsel Seytan, rebounding from his failed probe into Job’s faith claims,
said in a statement today that he feels vindicated by the recent turn of events. Because
he is still completing his report into the Bathsheba affair, Seytan declined further
comment. He did say before disappearing in a puff of smoke that he intends to "get to
the bottom" of the enigmatic claim made by the King last night when he also admitted
that he "was born guilty, a sinner when my mother conceived me." "If the
King’s been guilty for that long," Seytan said, "I wonder what else he’s trying
to hide."

Although Seytan’s report will not be released for another few weeks, pundits speculate
that it may force the King to resign. Legal experts say the Bathsheba affair, with its
adultery, murder, and coveting, violates at least three of the Ten Commandments. Political
foes of David, who have questioned his kingship since his involvement in the mysterious
death of Goliath T. Giant, argue that the King has never been fit for office. "I’ve
seen the Messiah," one senior prophet said on background. "The Messiah is a
vision of mine, and believe me, King David is no Messiah."