On driving: Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

• George Carlin

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.

They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

• Rita Rudner

I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, "I’d like some fries."
The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"

• Jay Leno

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you’re
off it.

• Jackie Gleason

I date this girl for two years—and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know
your name".

• Mike Binder

Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money
from it.

• Stephen Leacock

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you? But when you
take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.

• Steve Bluestone

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when
she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

• Ellen DeGeneres

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

• Carol Leifer

I would love to speak a foreign language but I can’t. So I grew hair under my arms
instead.

• Sue Kolinsky

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in
otherwise.

• Roger Simon

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you’ll be
afraid to cough.

• Pearl Williams

Don’t spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army
instead. They’ll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for
seventy-five cents.

• Billiam Coronel

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

• Dave Edison

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has
just taken place.

• Johnny Carson

Never moon a werewolf.

• Mike Binder

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.

• George Gobel