The following quotes are said to be taken from actual

medical records as dictated by physicians.

*By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had

stopped, and he was feeling better.

*Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side

for over a year.

*On the second day the knee was better and on the third

day it had completely disappeared.

*The patient has been depressed ever since she began

seeing me in 1983.

*The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She

also appears to be depressed.

*Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

*Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male,

mentally alert but forgetful.

*The patient refused an autopsy.

*The patient has no past history of suicides.

*The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

*Patient has left his white blood cells at another

hospital.

*The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably

insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the

past three days.

*She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in

separate directions in early December.

*Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this

lady pregnant.

*The patient was in his usual state of good health

until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

*She is numb from her toes down.

*The skin was moist and dry.

*Patient was alert and unresponsive.

*When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.