Hello – welcome to the Psychiatric hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6 If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which button to press If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No-one will answer.