One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny standing in the foyer of the church, looking at a large plaque that hung there. After the young man of seven had stood there for some time, the pastor walked up beside him and said quietly, “Good morning, son.” “Good morning, Pastor,” replied the youngster, not taking his eyes off the plaque. “Can I ask you, Sir, why are all these names listed on here?” “Well, son, these are all the people who have died in the service,” replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together, staring up at the large plaque.Little Johnny’s voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, “Which one, Sir, the 8:30 or the 10?

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A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”

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The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, “If he gets loose, will he hurt us?”

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My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?” mentally polished my halo while I asked, “No, how are we alike?” “You’re both old,” he replied.

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A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, “Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?”

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And one particular four-year old prayed, “And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”

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A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one house, it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door, even though the pastor knocked several times. Finally, the pastor took out his card, wrote “Revelation 3:20” on the back of it, and stuck it in the door. Revelation 3:20 –Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with me.The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the pastor’s message was the notation “Genesis 3:10.”Genesis 3:10 –I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself.

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IT’S ALL HOW YOU LOOK AT IT

Do you know how you can tell how long a missionary has been in ‘the field’?

The 1st year, she finds a fly in her water glass, and pours the whole thing out. The 2nd year, she finds a fly in her water glass, picks it out, shrugs,and drinks the water. The 3rd year, she finds a fly in her water glass, smiles, and says, “Oh good! Soup”

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One mother was teaching her 3 year old to say the Lord’s prayer, and thought it was going quite well until the little girl got to the end and said “Lead us not into temptation, and deliver us some E-mail, amen”.

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At the beginning of a children’s sermon, one girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children were sitting down around the pastor, he leaned over and said to the girl, “That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?” The girl replied almost directly into the pastor’s clip-on mike, “Yes, and my mom says it’s a to iron.”

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Ways to Know You Are in a Bad Church:

The staff consists of Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor, and Socio-Pastor. They have ATM machines in the lobby. No cover charge, but communion is a two drink minimum. Services are B.Y.O.S. (Bring Your Own Snakes)

They have karaoke worship time. The guy that takes the minutes in the business meeting votes against everything because he can’t spell uninimous. The only song the church organist knows is Inna-Gadda-Da-Vida. The church bus has gun racks. The Bible they use is the “Dr. Seuss” version. The choir wears leather robes. When you go in ushers ask you, “Do you want smoking or non-smoking?