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The new priest was so nervous at his first mass that he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax.

The Monsignor said, “Next Sunday, it may help if you put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips everything should go smoothly.”

The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great! However, upon his returning to the rectory, he found a note from the Monsignor.

It Read:

1. Next time SIP. don’t gulp

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. We don’t refer to the cross as the “Big T”

5. The recommended grace before meals is not “Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God”

6. David slew Goliath, he didn’t “Beat the hell out of him”

7. Don’t refer to Jesus Christ and his apostles as “JC and the Boys”

8. The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are not “Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook”

9. And last but not least, next Wednesday there is a taffy pulling contest at St Peter’s Church, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy’s Church.