1. He does not have a BEER GUT – He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

2. He is not a BAD DANCER – He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME – He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

4. He is not BALDING – He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER – He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK – He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS – He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG – He has SWINE EMPATHY.

9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT – He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.