An onion can make people cry but there has never been a vegetable invented to make them laugh. — Will Rogers

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By the time Ted arrived at the football game, the first quarter was almost over. “Why are you so late?” his friend asked. “I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming to the game.” “How long could that have taken you?” “Well, I had to toss it 14 times.”

— Kitchens 1. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious. 2. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 3. A husband is someone who takes out the garbage and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house. 4. If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast, and cheap. 5. A balanced diet is a Tim Tam in each hand. 6. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 7. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. 8. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life. 9. Help keep the kitchen clean – eat out. 10. Housework done properly can kill you. 11. Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives. 12. My next house will have no kitchen – just vending machines.

— “I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.”- Steve Martin

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One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?” His mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t dear,” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.” A long silence was broken at last by his little voice. “The big sissy.”

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An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet. He says, “Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don’t do wonders cleaning this up, I’ll eat every chunk of it.” She turns to him with a smirk and says, “You want ketchup on that?” The salesman says, “Why do you ask?” She says, “We just moved in and we haven’t got the electricity turned on yet.”

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“When I was young,” the woman said, “I used to worry about where my taxes were going. Now, I worry about where they’re coming from.”

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Another male perspective on sex… “Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.” – George Burns

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Arnold and Betty were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago. “Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?” Arnold asked. “Not very likely,” Betty said. “It’s worth a try,” Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store. With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, “Just a minute. I’ll have to look for these.” He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop. Two minutes later, the man called out, “Here they are!” “No kidding?” Arnold called back. “That’s terrific! Who would have thought they’d still be here after all this time.” The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. “They’ll be ready on Thursday,” he said calmly.

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“Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist.” – Camille Paglia

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“I read somewhere there’s actually a software product called ‘Microsoft Works.’ Isn’t that kind of an oxymoron?” – James Ballot

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At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates compared the computer industry with the car industry and stated: “If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.” In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors should have issued a press release stating: “If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the car windows, shut it off, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. 4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a right turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought “CarNT,” but then you would have to buy more seats 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single “General Protection Fault” warning light. 7. New seats would force everyone to have the same sized butt. 8. The airbag system would ask “are you SURE?” before deploying. 9. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 10. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 11. You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off. 12. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive- but would only run on five percent of the roads. (sob)

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I wrote in my column in the local paper last week that one of the ways we learn to deal with fear is by making jokes about our fear. That is why there are so many terrorist jokes, usually about Irish terrorists, such as story I heard today about the Irish terrorist – he booked with Ansett.

(Ansett is one of Australia’s Airlines that is having trouble financially and was not flying for a couple of weeks here)

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“What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?” – George Carlin