A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following:

“We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.

“They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don’t know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now.

“They play games and do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don’t know how to swim.

“At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.

“My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. Some of the people can’t get past the man in the dollhouse to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.

“My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day, too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.”

* * * * *

“Hey, Mom,” asked Ralph, “can you give me twenty dollars?”

“Certainly not.”

“If you do,” he went on, “I’ll tell you what Dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop.”

His mother’s ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. “Well? What did he say?”

“He said, ‘Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.'”

* * * * *

The US has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: ATTACK OR RETREAT?

The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES.

The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT?

Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR.

* * * * *

Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when Kevin noticed that Mark had but one golf ball.

“Don’t you have at least one other golf ball?” he asked. Mark replied that no, he only needed the one.

“Are you sure?” Kevin persisted. “What happens if you lose that ball?”

Mark replied, “This is a very special golf ball. I won’t lose it so I don’t need another one.”

“Well,” Kevin asked, “what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?”

“That’s okay,” Mark replied, “this special golf ball floats. I’ll be able to retrieve it.”

“Well, what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?”

Mark replied, “That’s okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I’ll be able to get it back — no problem.”

Exasperated, Kevin asked, “Okay. Let’s say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?”

“No problem,” said Mark. “You see, this ball is luminescent. I’ll be able to see it in the dark.”

Finally satisfied that Mark needed only the one golf ball, Kevin asked, “Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?”

Mark replied, “I found it.”