Think About it.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it!!!

No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist trade places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you’ve kept for 3 years and throw away three days before you need it.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, someone moves the ends.

Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall always be amused

If you’re too open minded your brain will fall out.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

It’s easier to get forgiveness than permission.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

If you look like your passport picture you probably need the trip you’re taking.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway!!!

15 Things To Remember You should not confuse your career with your life.

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too serious.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often that person is crazy.

Nobody cares if you dance well. Just get up and dance.

Never, ever, ever lick a steak knife.

Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

One of the most powerful forces in the universe is gossip.

You will never find anyone who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal out of your birthday.That time is age eleven.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe we are above average drivers.

The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy the people who are not in them.

A person who is nice to you but rude to a waiter is not a nice person.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.

There is a fine line between “HOBBY” and “MENTAL ILLNESS”.

If you want something to happen, Start a rumor.

“I’m Fine” “How Are You?”

There’s nothing the matter with me, I’m just as healthy as can be, I have arthritis in both knees, And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze. My pulse is weak, my blood is thin, But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in.

All my teeth have had to come out, And my diet I hate to think about. I’m overweight and I can’t get thin, But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in.

And arch supports I need for my feet. Or I wouldn’t be able to go out in the street. Sleep is denied me night after night, But every morning I find I’m all right. My memory’s failing, my head’s in a spin. But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in.

Old age is golden – I’ve heard it said, But sometimes I wonder, as I go to bed. With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup, And my glasses on a shelf, until I get up. And when sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself, Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?

The reason I know my youth has been spent, Is my get-up-and-go has far-up-and-went! But really I don’t mind, when I think with a grin, Of all the places my get-up has been.

I get up each morning and dust off my wits, Pick up the paper and read the obits. If my name is missing, I’m therefore not dead, So I eat a good breakfast and jump back into bed.

The moral of this as the tale unfolds, Is that for you and me, who are growing old. It is better to say “I’m fine” with a grin, Than to let people know the shape we are in.

Author – Diamond C. Aloes

Two elderly women had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities. Lately their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to discuss health problems and gossip about their neighbors. One day they were talking and one looked at the other and said; “Now don’t get mad at me….I know we’ve been friends for a long time….but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.” “How soon do you need to know?”-

Could This Be Us! Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Neither could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!” Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh NO! Am I driving?”

Getting Older”

I like to get up early ‘Cause I know if I don’t When I lay down to take my nap I’ll try to sleep, but won’t.

I like to get my teeth fixed There’s no more pain or sorrow. I simply drop them off today And pick them up tomorrow.

I love shopping at the mall Getting ready for December. But when I try to find my car It’s place I can’t remember.

I love to watch religious shows especially when they sing, The problem is they sing so loud I can’t hear the telephone ring.

Some say my memory’s failing But I know that just can’t be, When I look in a mirror I always know that’s me.

I know you think I’m getting old But I’m not, of that I’m sure, After all, I’m only forty eight! ? ? ? ? ? ? Or am I eighty four? Copyright 2000 Ron Lantz

Signs Of Turning Older”

In a hostage situation, you are the most likely to be released first. Kidnappers aren’t interested in you.

No one expects you to run into a burning building!

People call at 9pm and ask “Did I wake you up?”

There’s nothing left to learn the hard way!

You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations!

Your back goes out more than you do! Your ears are hairier than your head!

Your secrets are safe with your friends. They can’t remember them either!

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable level!

You sing along with elevator music!

You get into heated arguments about pension plans!

Your investment in health insurance is finally starting to pay off.

You buy things without worrying how soon they will wear out.

Your body is shorter and your arms are longer! But they still aren’t long enough to prevent reading glasses!

Your feet have so many corns they look like a garden!

Going to bed early means right after lunch!

You no longer have to go to the dentist. You can mail your teeth in now!

The battery in your car goes bad from lack of use.

When you walk it sounds like Rice Krispies,

SNAP, CRACKLE AND POP!

Your neck hurts from falling asleep at the dinner table!

Your hair is so white, when you dye it black it’s still gray!

Your kids look almost as old as you do!

Your spouses snoring doesn’t keep you awake any more!

You only have 25,000 miles on your 30 year old car!