EVOLUTION TAKES A NEW TWIST ! ! !

“PRIMATE: Any order of mammals comprising humans, apes, monkeys, and related forms” (Merriam Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary). “PRIMATE: ape; baboon; chimpanzee; gorilla….” (Roget’s International Thesaurus).

The following news arrived from the Presbyterian News Service on Tuesday, May 2, 2000, forwarded from the United States Episcopal News Service: “ANGLICAN PRIMATES STRUGGLE FOR UNITY IN FACE OF DIFFERENCES ON SEXUALITY.”

Profoundly disturbed that our Anglican/Episcopalian brethren should have converted the primates before the rest of us even thought about it, I read further: “….In a communique endorsed unanimously at the end of their March 23-28 meeting, the primates addressed some explosive disagreements, including ‘the deep problems arising from conflicting teaching and practice in relation to sexual ethics….”

Now I’m puzzled. I am fully aware that the sexual ethics of Gorillas differ from those of Chimpanzees; and traditional family values differ from species to species — but this news report has taken me completely by surprise. I not only have failed to realize that Anglicans and Episcopalians have already made Christians out of gorillas, baboons, chimpanzees, etc., but to my great surprise the astonishing progress of evolution has advanced to the point of these new converts holding meetings — something which I thought was an exclusively human preoccupation, one of the highest signs of evolutionary progress.

Then I read still further: “Some regard homosexuality as ‘part of the brokenness of human life which needs to be healed by the power of the Gospel’ … On the other hand, some believe that the integrity of the church does not rise or fall on sexuality issues…..” I’ve always looked at the happy, contented smile on the face of Chimpanzees and felt, intuitively, that this was caused by their agreeable sexual fulfillment. Now, apparently, their smile holds a hidden anger, perhaps caused by the complexity of human nature.

And now I’m puzzled more and more. Why haven’t Presbyterians, Methodists, or whoever you are, participated in the onward and upward progress of furthering evolution? STOP DILLY-DALLYING AND EVANGELIZE OUR FELLOW PRIMATES ! (The next time I visit a zoo I will view my fellow primates with an altogether new appreciation for the possibilities they have within them.) Onward and upward, let us march forward together!

………OOOOOOPS….. “Primate: a bishop who has precedence in a province.” (The dictionary again.) Now I’m REALLY confused. Sorry about that. Please erase everything I’ve said. I think I’ll go back to Biology 101.