Threw a stinking truckload of money

He turned up looking like he stumbled onto the set of a Steven Speilberg movie

Self-raising flower

Test drive some projects

Kick the tyres

When I first met Miss Right, I didn’t know that her first name was Always.

He looked like the security guard who used to watch over Lenin’s tomb, and spoke about as much English.

He’s making a statement “Out of medication”

Hit em where they live

I had to drag him out of the office which still has the lines of his fingernails in the floor

It wasn’t the most deserving philanthropic animal, but it could play “fetch” better than anybody else.

Loose screws (looney tunes)

Having a bad-turban day

After a while his grizzles start to sound like Patsy Cline’s I Fall To Pieces on endless replay

Our hotel didn’t even have 1 star. Actually it did, I saw it thru the roof

Everyone has a photographic memory. Its just that some don’t have film

Hit the ground strolling

Culture vulture

Love is blind but the neighbours aren’t

Are we just shooting the wounded after the battle’s over?

Parts of the Queensland government make the Suharto family look honest

Power-trashed

IS is a department where plain English is spoken as a last resort, and Sam is one of the main exceptions

Purple prose

I’ve seen New York. It puts Tokyo away.

Cow killers

Hanging it on me like a cheap suit.

Not for nothing did the Tax Office write the Tax Act.

Scent packing

Eurotrash

The Chinese keep goldfish in a bowl because they jump just before a major earthquake.

You can lead a horse to water, then you find out what a wet horse smells like

David. Earth Calling. Government doesn’t care if Fidel Castro is using it to fund Elian Gonzalez’s future education.

Oz has always had a problem with illegal immigrants. Just ask any aboriginal

My crystal ball is as foggy as Carmen Lawrence’s memory

The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity

At 22 miles it felt like a drive-by shooting.

Have you packed for the overbooked flight to quality?

New low of 55c, the day the music died

If cash is King, US Bonds are emperors

Babysitters: teenagers acting like adults while the adults act like teenagers

People who make too much eye contact make you nervous because they’re either on medication or are trying to sell you life insurance.

If life is a stage, I want better lighting

Hospitality means making people feel at home even if you wish they were

Pass on the triple by-pass

Can’t see the forest for the fees.

Heavy hitters

He’s not just in your face, he’s down your throat

Looking down the jaws of a 50% drop

If it blows out to a full knockdown fight

A fugitive from the law of averages (lucky)

Rambo in pinstripes (Al Chain saw Dunlap)

Department Of Corrections

Indonesia’s Megawati could make Suharto look like a WorldBank branch manager when it comes to posturing as economic nationalists

He’s so fat that when his beeper goes off, people think he’s reversing.

Taking blows that make a Curtly Ambrose delivery look like an underarm.

Cause grevious bodily charm

You can warm your hands on the heat his comments generate

A high wattage smile

It took many sleepless afternoons to work that out.

The Age printed a retraction which sounded like the Pope saying he got it wrong about Easter.

Like fans of a losing football team, they blame the coach, forgetting that his replacement would face the same difficulties. With or without the coach, they face relegation from the leading group

Women, ideas, regrets (he’s had a few)

Business gives, business takes away: Packer gains a network, BHP loses top spot. but some lose much more. Jim lost his mind/soul.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

He’s like the fish that John West rejects

Going through the lotions

Just as meteorologists should look out the window occasionally to see if it’s raining, economists should sometimes look at the sharemarket, where the All Ords is still below its 1987 high.

The All Ords hasn’t made a new hi for 10 chilling years.

Listening to….is more fun than having teeth extracted without anaesthetic, but that’s about it.

God must have created economists in order to make astrologers look respectable.

A statistican is someone good with figures who found accountancy too exciting

Economists have a worse forecasting record than any race tipster in Aus

I’ll have steak. What about the vegetables? They’ll have steak too.

His decision-making processes are rarely handicapped by sobriety.

Hypocrisy is a tribute vice pays to virtue.

Sign outside Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even if a foreigner dressed as a man.

Go directly to gaol, do not pass your solicitor, do not collect legal aid.

For meal service, the airline gave us bowls and told to go to First Class and beg

Partly cloudy/partly sunny

Meteorologist–look into the girls eyes and tell whether

Don’t have heart attacks, they give them

Churchill’s remark about troubled people: They’re either at your feet or at your throat.

Always live beyond your means, it’s the only way you’ll ever be able to afford it.

Like the rooster who believed that the sun would not rise each morning until he had crowed, the bureaucrat succumbs to the belief that their domain would cease to exist unless they controlled it.

It’s our God-given duty to be the answer to others’ prayers

Asking Cambodians to vote for the Khmer Rouge is like asking the chickens to vote for Colonel Sanders.

Call her on the dog and bone

Powerbark — roll a bus with a direct hit

Holding all 4 aces in the deck

A wok on the wild side

To every problem, there is a pollution

Did the earth move for you? (mining companies)

Honey, I shrunk the economy

It’s my Party n I’ll spy if I want to

2003 will not come with instructions

Pornbrokers. Sin for a penny, sin for a pound

Up-to-date shirt

High octane optimism

Leaned over my shoulder with a combination of halitosis alcohol and pointed out my errors

Told us between drags on a Marlboro

Coke bottle glasses

A success story straight out of children’s breakfast cereal swap cards.

An airline stewardess who looked as if she was booking lifers into San Quentin.

They’re growing things that help them understand the words in Bob Dylan songs

House Whines

Winning Style, not whingeing style

Publish and be shammed

You want monogamy — marry a swan

Driver refuses to switch on his lights until he’s close enough to inspect the teeth of an oncoming driver

Looks like a mafia staff-car driver

Look for hotels with lizards, cos they don’t have insects.

Turn for the hearse

Take to it like a duck to sludge

Presented with all the conviction of Simon Crean on Valium

If religion, as Karl Marx said, is the opium of the people, in America it’s the amphetamine

No such thing as too crowded: sharing a bus with 30 people, livestock and the catch of the day.

Listening to their dog-ate-my-homework excuses

Khmer Rouge shooting civilians, dodging malaria and playing poker, in no particular order.

Never forget a face. In your case I’ll make an exception.

Micro-economic reform mean speed cameras?

Winning isn’t everything; losing isn’t anything

Built like sacks of potatoes, only not quite so good looking.

Love means never having to put anything in writing

Capitalise their profits, socialise their losses

Coffee with 2 lumps: wife and mother-in-law

Black letter law

Over-egged the pudding

Ageing six-pack philosophers

Thai banks are exempt, and retrospectively exempt if you don’t mind umpire

If they want Thailand to be the gate of Indochina, they had better fix the door

Level ploughing field

Beams the ancient wisdom of Khmer civilisation through the flashdance of computerised neon

Info flowing through filters and down thru a loud speaker

Air apparent (Thai pollution)

And doctor, I keep having this nightmare (after making a point, explain it with a present tense illustration)

KR swoop to take PNH, take one look at the traffic, and run back to the jungle

Save the spotted owl from passive smoking

In the 60s we had the concept of saving for a rainy day. So this is the rainy day and we haven’t saved for it. This generation believed it wouldn’t rain again.

Blinks only twice a day

Wrote the book on corruption

Call him sentimental

It could have happened to a nicer guy.

Listening to 30 kids sing Christmas carols in the same key as a blow dryer.

If Thailand wants to be a Tiger Economy, it will have to learn to growl at corruption

Financed his house purchase with an arms-for-hostages deal

When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you.

Gave him an if you’re rich, I’m single routine

Sight gag: moisten tongue, touch, hiss, ouch

A melting pot that is seldom stirred

Longest recession since WW2 dragged on for 4 chilling years

Laos has grown, but has it matured?

Running on empty

Watched them turn out their empty pockets

Go-go 80s turned into the slow-slow 90s

Most popular labour saving gadget today is still: husband with money

A counsellor is someone who asks you a lot of expensive questions my wife asks me for nothing

If you torture the data long enough, eventually it will confess

A statistician is a person who draws a mathematically precise line from an unwarranted assumption to a foregone conclusion.

The Governor delivered a Kleenex-strength appeal for loyalty

When Chris Skase dies, he’ll try to pull off a merger between heaven / hell with controlling interest in both key subsidiaries

When …. started futures in 1988 critics called it gambling. In 1992 they called it speculation. Now it’s expanded, always profits, never risks losses and is called hedging. Actually, we’ve been doing the same thing all the time.

The Party always forgives its enemies, but never forgets their names

Everyone knows money talks but in Aus it only seems to say goodbye

During real inflation folk don’t count their money, they weigh it.

Government extracting money from taxpayers without upsetting voters

Have they got hot hands or just sweaty palms?

Taking investors cash on its one-way trip to money heaven

Government spending is cocking the inflation hammer

End labor market rigidity: code for paying lower wages to the poor

A deniable activity/association (in gangster parlance)