A Jewish businessman had some very important meetings in Hong Kong and found to his dismay that they were to be extended into the next week. That Friday evening he managed to find a synagogue, just in time to catch the beginning of the service. Throughout the worship, he could not help noticing how the rabbi kept eying him off, but the familiar rituals gave him the reassurance he wanted. Still, as soon as he pronounced the closing blessing, the rabbi hurried to up to congratulate him on how well he had followed the service. “But it was easy,” protested the businessman. “I go to the synagogue every Sabbath!” “Are you Jewish?” asked the rabbi. “Of course I’m Jewish!” he replied. “Funny,” said the rabbi. “You no rook rike Jew!”

The well-dressed executive was shocked at the boldness of the Jewish beggar who stopped him outside the hotel and asked him for $100. “I don’t hand out money to people here on the street!” he snorted. The beggar replied: “You vant I should open an office, yet?”

Three men of the cloth were discussing different ways God had proved his faithfulness and protection to them, and each one had an ace up his sleeve to settle the argument his way. The priest went first: “Oi was out fishin’ in a boat, and to be sure it was the grandest day’s fishin’ Oive ever hud. Da poor wee fish were ever so keen to take my bait, and soon dere were so many fish dat Oi could fit no more into da boat. “But before Oi could t’ink about turnin’ for home, da skoy hud soodenly turned inky black, as t’under and loitnin’ crashed and flashed all around me. Da wind was wailin’ loik a banshee, and da waves were terrifoyin’. Oi knew dat Oi had no hope to survive unless Oi knelt down amoong da fish and Oi began to pray a Hail Mary. “Suddenly, as da storm continued its terrifoyin’ destrooction, Oi knew dat da Good Lord hud heard moy prayer, for everyt’ing around me for two hoondred yards became as calm as a millpond!” The vicar described his love of bushwalking, where he could be at one with the Lord and his creation: “One beautiful Summer afternoon, I was walking along a ridge. Breathtaking views ahead of me, with the freshness of eucaplypts and the shrill symphony of birdcalls dazzling my senses. Suddenly flames swept up from behind me and shot hundreds of feet into the air, barbecuing birds in mid-flight, as they dropped like stones to the ground. The heat was devastating, the wind was swirling smoke and sparks and soot all around me , and I knew it was the end. Yet as I knelt on the parched ground and began the “Our Father,” it suddenly started raining, and for the rest of the day everything around me for two hundred yards stayed as fresh and virginal as the Garden of Eden itself!” “Vell, as you know,” said the rabbi, “The Sabbat’ is our special day. Ve do no vork, ve carry out no business, ve do not even drive our cars, ve have not’ing to do vit’ money, ve don’t look at money, ve don’t even t’ink about money. But vun Sabbat’ I vas valking to t’e synagogue ven a car raced around a corner so fast it nearly ran me over! I stepped back out of its vay, but it vas going so fast t’at its back door flew open and a big bag flew out and knocked me to my knees. When I looked into t’is bag I saw t’at it vas full of money and I knew t’at t’is vas a getavay car from a robbery. So I stayed on my knees and I prayed and I found in t’is bag over one hundred and fifty t’ousand dollars! T’is is because miraculously, everyt’ing around me for two hundred yards became a Vednesday!”

The Great Debate

Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jews, so the Pope agreed to debate with a member of their community. If the Jew won, they could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

Knowing they had no choice, they picked old Rabbi Moshe to represent them. His Latin wasn’t very good, but he was a man of great faith and well respected. He accepted, on condition that it would be a silent debate. The Pope agreed. After all, what could be easier than a silent debate?

On the day of the great debate, Moshe and the Pope sat opposite each other.

After a minute the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moshe looked back and raised one finger.

The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moshe pointed to the ground.

The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moshe pulled out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said, “I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.”

As the puzzled cardinals clustered around the Pope, he explained: “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He held up one finger to remind me that one God is common to both our religions. When I waved my finger around me to show that God was all around us, he pointed down to show that God is also right here with us. When I showed him the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins, he showed me an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?”

Meanwhile, the Jews had crowded around Moshe. “What happened?” they asked. “Well,” said Moshe, “He says to me, ‘You Jews have three days to leave.’ So I said: ‘One!'” Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, ‘Listen here, Popey baby, the Jews … we stay right here.” “And then?” asked a woman. “Who knows?” said Moshe. “He took out his lunch so I took out mine.”