101 Things To Do In Church

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(from 101 Things To Do During a Dull Sermon – Tim Sims & Dan Pegoda, published by Minstrel, Eastbourne, E. Sussex)

ANANIAS and SAPHIRA LIST

List the names of the ‘Ten Most Likely To Be Struck Dead During The Offering’

FLASH CARDS

Make a set of score flash cards like the ones Olympic judges use to score sporting events. judge this week’s sermon on these categories: 1. Quality of monotone. 2. Use of obscure vocabulary. 3. Lack of interesting illustrations 4. Number of irrelevant points.

REQUEST

Pass a note to the organist asking if he or she plays requests.

POTTY BREAK

Raise your hand and ask permission to go to the toilet.

TURN THE OTHER CHEEK

Slap your neighbour. See if he or she turns the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the pastor.

PREACHER’S SALARY

Estimate the preacher’s salary and calculate the amount he/she is making each minute of the sermon.

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(101 Things to Do With a Dull Church: the Complete Guide For the Bored Again Christian – Martin Wroe & Adrian Reith, published by Minstrel, Eastbourne, E. Sussex)

PRAYERS, THANKSGIVING AND SUPPLICATIONS

Prayer of thanks for not getting caught speeding – That was close. I won’t go over the speed limit ever again. Well, not until that police car is out of sight. Amen.

Prayer on the occassion of utter boredom in church – Oh Lord, this service is so dull that I think I must be dead. But if it be, Lord, by your grace and favour, that I am not in fact dead – merely stunned into mind-numbing oblivion by the overall tedium, and general inconsequentiality of the proceedings – grant your servant this: grant that this Vicar becomes ‘called up yonder’* to that ‘place which you have prepared fopr him’ right away … if that not be too forward a request, of course. Amen.

* Note: For those whose theologies allow, ‘raptured’ may be substituted here.

MINISTERING SUNDAY

Like Mothering Sunday, but different. It’s a compulsory day off for your Minister, and therefore a day off for you too. A veritable shower of blessings.

WITTENBERG DOOR DAY

This celebrates the day in the sixteenth century when Martin luther nailed his ninety-five thesis to the door of the church in Germany … On this day you also nail your ninety five gripes to the vestry door .. Examples:

‘We the congregation demand: – Shorter sermons .. – New rock and roll hymn book … – Right to reply to silly sermons – Right for women to be equal to men. .. – Music lessons for the organist. … – Right not to be pressured when the offering plate comes round .. – Right to arrive late sometimes – Or not at all sometimes …

HOW TO BE ‘UNSOUND’

Make the fatal mistake of not hanging up your brains with the hats and coats when you come into church. here are some sure-fire ways to become unsound: – Not believing in a seven-day creation … – Admitting you have smoked – Admitting you have not read the bible lately – Admitting you don’t have a bible – Owning up to kissing your spouse before you were married.

ADVERTISING AND MARKETING

The Poster – Put this poster up outside your church: “WINE, (men), WOMEN & SONG can be found TWICE EVERY SUNDAY, EVERY WEEK at The Church of the Virgin on the Ridiculous …