THE NEW ANSWERING MACHINE ON THE MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE !!!

“Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline…….

If you are obsessive/compulsive,press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent,please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 & 6.

If you are paranoid,we know who you are & what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 & your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic,listen carefully & a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are dyslexic,press 96969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder,please fidget with the Dollar key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia,press 8 & state your name,address,telephone number,date of birth,social security number & your mother’s maiden name.

If you have post traumatic stress disorder,s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bi – polar disorder,please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss press 9

If you have short-term memory loss press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss press 9.

If you have low self-esteem,please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

Thank you for calling & have a nice day.”