“Welcome to the Psychiatrists’ Telephone Hotline. Please hold and follow these instructions:

 · If you are obsessive compulsive, press1 repeatedly

 · If you have multiple personalities, press 2,3 and 4

 · If you have a drug problem, press hash

 · For advice on paranoia, we know who you are and what you really want.

Please stay on the line and we will come and get you.

 · If your problem is schizophrenia, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press

 · And if you are delusional, press zero immediately and stand away from the receiver before it bites your ear off.