Here are some (reputedly) actual “Red Card’ items (maintenance complaints) submitted by US Air Force pilots and the signoffs from the maintenance crews.

Problem: ‘Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.’

Solution: ‘Evidence removed.’

Problem: ‘Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.’

Solution: ‘Almost replaced left inside main tyre.’

Problem: ‘Test flight OK, except Autoland very rough.’

Solution: ‘Autoland not installed on this aircraft.’

Problem: ‘Something loose in cockpit.’

Solution: ‘Tightened something in cockpit.’

Problem: ‘IFF inoperative in “Official” mode.’

Solution: ‘IFF is supposed to be inoperative in OFF mode.’

Problem: ‘Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.’

Solution: ‘Cannot reproduce problem on ground.’

Problem: ‘Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.’

Solution: ‘That’s what they’re there for!’

Problem: ‘The autopilot doesn’t.’

Signed off: ‘IT DOES NOW.’

Problem: ‘DME volume unbelievably loud.’

Solution: ‘Volume reset to more believable level.’

Problem: ‘Number three engine missing.’

Solution: ‘Engine found on right wing after a brief search.’

Problem: ‘Dead bugs on windshield.’

Solution: ‘Live bugs on order.’