Apologies for any breach in netiquette, but I’ve lurked long enough and I couldn’t pass this thread up – I’ve had far too many incidents for one lifetime, some so unreal that if I wrote them down people would think they were fiction. Some of them I’ve listed below, I know the number and length makes for a bulky e-mail, so apologies for those on slow connections.

Teaching adults how to use computers for my local college back in ’94 we ran a course for the over fifties. They used to bring me their problems from home. One gent came in and asked why the disk he’d bought recently wouldn’t work in his system. From out of his shirt pocket he unfolded a 5 1/4″ floppy and, smoothing it out, handed it too me. I asked whether it was creased like this when he’d bought it. “No,” he replied, “but I couldn’t get the box it came in to fit my pocket, so I took it out and folded it till it fitted.”

Another pupil asked why her mouse pointer disappeared every time she moved the mouse. I pointed out that the mouse was very sensitive and that she may be moving the mouse too quickly to see the pointer. I said she must move the mouse a little slower, until she was able to see the pointer. This didn’t solve the problem, so before the next class I set her computer up to show trails and enlarged the mouse pointer, altered the mouse sensitivity etc. However, a few minutes into class she again put her hand up and said she couldn’t see the pointer. Exasperated, I went over and asked her to show me what she was doing. Carefully she picked the mouse up and placed it on the screen.

Or the guy who complained his home computer’s 3 1/2″ floppy drive was broken ’cause the disk wouldn’t go in. He’d had the drive replaced by the shop twice and they couldn’t understand why they were broken. He’d brought it in and I took it apart. Sure enough the heads were broken. Jokingly, I asked him how hard he was pushing the disks in. He replied “I really have to smash ’em in or they won’t go in at all.” So saying he picked up a disk and placed it in the drive backwards (metal slider facing out) and gave it a firm whack!

Prior to this I worked as Area Manager for a local chain of computer shops (in the days when the C64 and Speccy were new). One of my favourite moments was the chap who came in demanding his money back ’cause the tape he’d bought wouldn’t play on his machine – he placed the tape on the counter – Robocop for the Spectrum. “Which machine do you have?” Asked I. “Well, I don’t know the model, but it’s made by Sony.” “Ah, then it must be an MSX, several Japanese companies make them.” I said. “Yes, my brother has one by Toshiba.” he replied.

Satisfied that I’d cracked it I swapped the box over for the MSX version. The chap opens the box and shakes his head. “No, that doesn’t look right either.” I asked him what was wrong and he said “All my other tapes are much bigger than this. And it doesn’t have a flap on it either.” It was at that moment I realised he was talking about a VCR. As I gave him a refund and explained why, he said “But it said ‘Video Game’ on the box.”

This next one happened to my sister in her first job after leaving school, when she was working for Rumbelows in Stourbridge, West Midlands around mid ’85. An Irish guy (honest he really was Irish) came in and after some discussion went away with a VCR. An hour or so later he rang the shop and my sister took the call. He says he’s having difficulty in seeing a picture on the VCR. My sister, not knowing much about setting them up tries to find someone who will help and the engineer says he’ll come over in a minute but encourages her to try and answer the query herself.

My sis remembers that on the back of most VCRs there’s a switch which outputs a test signal and tells the chap to switch this to ‘on’. He says he still can’t see a picture. She suggests he check all the leads are in and that the power light is on. Still no picture. Her knowledge now exhausted, she passes the call to the engineer. He makes a couple of suggestions and then starts shaking his head, he says “What do you mean ‘and the screen is so small’ sir?” Not being able to get an answer that made sense the engineer said he’d pop round after lunch.

When the engineer returns he has the video with him and is laughing fit to burst. Apparently when he got out to the guy’s house he found the chap sitting with the VCR on the table peering at its LCD screen expecting it to show what was on the tape etc. When the engineer said it should be plugged into a TV the guy replies “Don’t be daft, I had to sell that to afford this.”

I sued to work for Currys Electrical during the late ’80s. In ’88 Thomson brought out a digital TV with multiple tuners so that you could have picture-in-picture. It also had a feature which allowed you to ‘pause’ a broadcast for up to sixty seconds in case you had to nip to the loo or something. To advertise this feature we set up a bank of TVs with the last four being the four different models with this feature, each set to delay the signal by 15 seconds. We sales staff amused ouorselves watching people trying to work out why the pictures on those four sets were out of sync with the rest of the TVs. One chap missed the notice that explained it and asked myself and my mate Dean.

Planning a bit of a laugh, I took him to the back of the sets and pointed to all the aerial wires running to the control box in the roof. “You see sir, although the signal travels very quickly, nearly as quickly as light, it takes a little bit longer to travel the extra distance to these four sets because the aerial wires for them are far logner than for the others. Thus the sets are slightly behind the others as they get their picture later.” He nodded, lapping up this wind up. Dean nodded and added “Its the same as when you’re watching the football. The match is in London, but by the time the picture gets all the way up to here in Birmingham, it’s about five minutes old.” The chap says “or the races.” Dean agrees and says “Yup, in fact by the time you see the start of the race, the winner is probably having his saddle off and is being weighed.” A light goes on in the bloke’s eyes and nodding he says, “So, does that work with the phone?” I said “not really, the TV signal has to go through the air and is slowed by the weather etc. The phone signal goes through wire all the way so gets there instantly.” “So,” says the chap, “if I were down south, watching a race I’d know the result before somone watching here? So if I go down tomorrow and ring my brother at home, he won’t know I know the result?” We nod. All smiles he says, “Bloody great, I can f###in’ clean him out.” I’ve often wondered whether he ever figured it out.

My favourite reply to my asking for directions was when I was trying to find my Uncle’s new address in Twywn. Swallowing my pride, (no bloke admits being lost, its the place that’s lost) I go into the Post Office to ask where the cottage is. The woman who was serving said “Take the road to the beach, turn right at the railway bridge, pass the chalets and its the one by where the post box used to be.”

My favourite reply to asking for a record was in Our Price, Dudley. Me, “Do you have ‘Ride of the Valkeries” by Wagner?” Assistant, “Dunno, when was it in the charts?”, not wishing to miss this I replied “Oh, late 19th century, the 1870’s I think. It’s a piece of classical music.” Assistant, “Well, if it isn’t on the shelves we can order it, try looking in the box marked ‘seventies’, they’re mostly classics.”