Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang. A heavily Irish-accented voice said, “Hello, Mr Hussein. This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you.”

“Well, Paddy,” Saddam replied, “this is indeed important news. How big is your army?”

“Right now,” said Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next-door neighbour, Seamus, and the darts team from the pub. That makes eight of us.”

Saddam paused, then replied, “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army, just waiting on my command.”

“Begorra!” said Paddy, “I’ll have to ring you back.”

The next day, Saddam’s phone rang again. Paddy said, “The war is still on, Mr Hussein. We have managed to acquire some armoured equipment.”

“And what equipment would that be, Paddy?” asked Saddam.

“Well,” Paddy replied, “We have two combines, a bulldozer and Murphy’s farm tractor.”

Saddam sighed, “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. I have also increased the size of my army to 1  ½ million men since we spoke yesterday.”

“Saints preserve us,” said Paddy. “I’ll have to get back to you.”

The next day, Paddy rang again. He said, “Mr Hussein, the war is still on. We have managed to get ourselves airborne. We’ve modified Harrigan’s ultra-light and fitted it with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit and four of the boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well.”

Saddam was silent for a moment and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military compounds are guarded by laser-guided surface-to-air missiles. Also, since we last spoke I have increased my army to 2 million men.”

“Jesus, Mary and Joseph!” Paddy exclaimed. ‘I’ll have to call you back.”

The following day, Paddy called again. “Top o’ the morning to ye, Mr Hussein,” he said. “I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call the war off.”

“I am sorry to hear that,” said Saddam. “Why the sudden change of heart?”

“Well, said Paddy, “we’ve all had a long talk over a few pints down at the pub and we’ve decided that there’s no way we can feed 2 million prisoners.”