1. Pick up your cat and cradle it in your left arm as if holding a baby.

Place right thumb and forefinger on either side of cat’s mouth and gently

apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat’s mouth

opens, pop in the pill and let cat close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat as before

and repeat process.

3. Remove cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws

with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right

forefinger. Hold mouth closed for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call

spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and

rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat’s head

firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down

ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail and get another pill from foil wrap.

Make

note to buy a new ruler and to repair curtains. Carefully sweep figurine

fragments from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just

visible below spouse’s armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force

cat’

s mouth open and blow through straw.

9. Check label to make sure that pill is not harmful to humans, drink

water

to take away taste and milk to settle stomach. Apply bandaid to spouse’s

armpit and rinse blood from carpet with strong cleanser.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in

cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open

with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from shed and put door back on hinges. Apply cold

compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw

t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire brigade to rescue cat from tree across road. Notify

insurance

company to accept blame for neighbour’s demolishing fence while swerving

to

avoid speeding cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly

to

leg of dining table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat’s

mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth, followed by large

piece

of steak. Hold head vertically and pour a litre of water into throat to

wash

pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to casualty. Sit quietly while doctor applies

sutures to fingers and removes pill fragments from your eye. Stop by at

furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Call RSPCA to collect cat and visit pet shop to see their range of

guinea pigs.