TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptise cats. 2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap.

TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree. 2) Wrinkles don’t hurt. 3) Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground. 5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside. 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD 1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 3) When tying your shoes, look for something else to do while you’re down there. 4) When a rocking chair gives you the same thrill that you once got from a roller coaster. 5) When you know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions. 6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician. 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS: At age 4 . . . not wetting your pants. At age 12 . . . …having friends. At age 18 . …….having a drivers license. At age 25……….marriage and sex. At age 30….communicating with your children. At age 35 ………having money. At age 50……….having money. At age 55….communicating with your children. At age 60……….marriage and sex. At age 70 . …….having a drivers license. At age 80…….having friends. At age 90….not wetting your pants.

PUNS

A good pun is its own reword. Energizer Bunny arrested — charged with battery. A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative. My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it’s just kiln time. Dijon vu — the same mustard as before. Practice safe eating — always use condiments. I fired my masseuse today. He rubbed me the wrong way. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. If electricity comes from electrons…does morality come from morons? A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Corduroy pillows are making headlines. Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome? Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. Banning the bra was a big flop. Sea captains don’t like crew cuts. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour. Without geometry, life is pointless. When you dream in colour, it’s a pigment of your imagination. And when Edison invented the light globe, it was a mere filament of his imagination. Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red. When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.