There are three truths in life:

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah….

2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith…..

3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.

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Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

“Kneeling is definitely best,” claimed one.

“No,” another contended. “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”

“You’re both wrong,” the third insisted. “The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor.”

The repairman could contain himself no longer. “Hey, fellas, ” he interrupted, “the best prayin’ I ever did was hangin’ upside down from a telephone pole.”

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During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting.

The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up…

The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn’t know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a house-bound 98 year old man, who was one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation.

The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, “Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?”

The old man answered, “No, that is not the tradition.”

The one whose followers sat asked, “Is the tradition to sit during Shema?”

The old man answered, “No, that is not the tradition.”

Then the rabbi said to the old man, “The congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand…”

The old man interrupted, exclaiming, “THAT is the tradition!”

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Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic…

A diagnostic is someone who doesn’t know whether there are two gods.

As long as there are tests, there WILL be prayer in public schools.

On an atheist’s tombstone: Here lies an atheist; all dressed up and no place to go.

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

I am an agnostic pagan. I doubt the existence of many gods.

“And it came to pass that in the hands of the ignorant, the words of the Bible were used to beat plowshares into swords.” Alan Wilson Watts

A dyslexic, agnostic insomniac: Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

There are two kinds of people: Those who say to God, “Thy will be done,” and those to whom God says, “All right, then, have it your way.” C.S. Lewis

Plan your future out! Make God laugh!

“I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether or not my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me, is another matter.” Winston Churchill

Due to financial constraints, the light at the end of the tunnel has been extinguished.

The Bible tells us to love our neighbours, and also to love our enemies, probably because they are generally the same people.

Adam to Eve: “I’ll wear the plants in this family!”

The lion and the lamb shall lie down together, but the lamb won’t get much sleep.

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A man is sitting at home one evening when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach is standing there. The cockroach immediately punches him between the eyes and scampers off. The next evening, the man is sitting at home when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, the cockroach is there again. This time, it punches him, kicks him and karate chops him before running away. The third evening, the man is sitting at home when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, the cockroach is there yet again. It leaps at him and bites him several times before making off. The gravely injured man manages to crawl to the telephone and summon an ambulance. He is rushed to intensive care and they save his life.

The next morning, the doctor is doing his rounds. He asks our hero what happened, so the man explains about the 6 foot cockroach’s attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing. The doctor thinks for a moment and says, “Yes, there is a nasty bug going around.”

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Best Bumper Stickers of 1999 (run by the Washington Post):  ¸, ¸ ¸, ¸ ¤ º °` ° º ¤ ¸, ¸ ¸, ¸ ¤ º °` ° º ¤

Old Age Comes at a Bad Time.

My Mother is a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips.

(Spotted on a passing motorcycle) If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off.

Don’t Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would the Queen.

First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, Closed.

In Dog Years, I’m Dead.

Get a New Car for Your Spouse. It’ll Be a Great Trade.

I’m Going to Graduate on Time, No Matter How Long It Takes.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather … Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

God must love stupid people. . . He made SO many.

I don’t have a license to kill. I have a learner’s permit.

Taxation WITH representation isn’t so hot, either!

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

EARTH FIRST! We’ll strip-mine the other planets later.

If you drink, don’t park. Accidents cause people.

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her. . . or something like that.

Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive.

Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them

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A man died and went to The Judgement. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, “Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you — we’ve looked at your life, and your really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!”

“I’m impressed,” St. Peter responded, “When did this happen?”

“About two minutes ago,” came the reply.