1. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place!

2. When I was young we used to go “skinny dipping”; now I just go “chunky dunking.”

3. The early bird still has to eat the darn worms.

4. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is you have to eat them.

5. Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

6. Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press ‘Delete’ and start all over?

7. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

8. My wife said I never listen to her. At least I think that’s what she said.

9. Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

10. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

11. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

12. Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.