Rev. John Simpson
Number 126

Ministry has never been a hormone free zone. Sexuality has always
been on the short list of occupational hazards for pastors. Our own
culture remains preoccupied with sexual issues.

The sexual freedom of the post pill, vasectomy and abortion eras has
continued to stimulate lust rather than love, technique rather than
understanding, adventure rather than responsibility.

The lines which used to differentiate between casual encounter and
committed monogamy are increasingly blurred these days. It is in this
environment that pastors are having to function. The apparent
circumspection and clarity surrounding pastoral practice and sexuality
of a generation or two ago has given way to uncertainty and unease. The
Many Shades of Current Pastoral Unease

* The extravagant, much publicised sexual escapades of the few have
made life difficult for the many. There is now a growing
hypersensitivity to any form of conduct which may leave a pastor open to
charges of compromised behaviour. Any pastor not so exercised is in
danger.

* Pastors are now having to revisit accountability procedures. The
old style leadership where the pastor functioned with self imposed
guidelines only is rapidly vanishing. Many pastors for their own
protection are wisely identifying ways of developing accountability with
others whom they trust.

* While the great majority of pastors are scrupulous in their
approach to members of the opposite sex, others have been
extraordinarily unwise. The full blown affair has often been the result
of either a friendship or a counseling exercise where the boundaries
were well and truly lost and accountability non existent. Then there is
the pastoral flirt who avoids the affair but is too attentive, too
charming and too readily available. Another like-minded colleague is the
undiscerning fool who unwittingly creates compromising situations, opens
the door to allegations, dices with danger and wakes up too late.

* Another type of pastoral liability has emerged: the predator. This
is the unashamed controller alert to exploiting the vulnerable, given to
manipulation, intent on pursuing an agenda to deliver maximum power,
devious and secretive, often a great performer in public with a
pathological radar able to detect any opportunity for personal
gratification.

Usually with an untold history of indiscretion, the predator is two
people in one: spiritually sensitive and genuinely caring but driven by
an unresolved internal darkness, having an awesome addiction to sexual
encounter and not at all troubled by conscience in so doing.

Why Do Some Pastors Run into Trouble?

There are many reasons why pastors encounter difficulty sexually.
The following spring to mind immediately and do not claim to be
exhaustive:

1. The very nature of the spiritual journey encourages an intimacy
of being which can surreptitiously move from the spiritual to the
physical. This is a real possibility where a pastor and a member of the
opposite sex explore the deeper dimensions of spirituality without there
being safety measures in place. It is unlikely that their original
intention was to wander into forbidden territory. But this unexpected
lack of control surfaces through the sharing of needs without there
being the security and scrutiny of, say, a small group setting. The
profoundly spiritual and the deeply physical are intimacies which are
much closer to each other than most realise. Perhaps it is a mystery; it
is most certainly a reality.

2. Sexual misdemeanours can be traced to a monumental lack of self
awareness and understanding. Let’s get one thing clear now and for all
time: we are sexual creatures no matter how young or how old we may be,
regardless of length of time in the ministry, or background, or apparent
spiritual maturity. That’s the way the Lord put us together and He
described this as good right from the start. We are the ones who have
managed to spoil the arrangement. Having said this, there are certain
equations which need to be recognised early if purity of thought, motive
and action are to be preserved. The mid life crisis (with all its
variations), the lonely church member, the over burdened pastor (whose
marriage is starved of life and levity because of unregulated busyness)
can combine into a very lethal sexual encounter. Regrettably, the pastor
may not realise the dynamics of this situation. Genuine care can so
easily metamorphose into selfish manipulation and pleasure with a
diminished capacity for acknowledging what is really taking place. An
extraordinary self-delusion hatches an ethical perversion of grand
proportions. The pastor may even claim that the "other party"
took the initiative but this cannot be regarded seriously. The pastor’s
commitment is to responsible care no matter what the intent of others
may be.

3. There is a greater likelihood of emotional entanglement if the
pastor’s marriage is already at risk. The very nature of the pastoral
role places great strain on many pastoral marriages. Too often the
pastor is wrung out by others only to arrive at home completely washed
out and fatigued. There is another perilous twist to this. Some pastors
may find the cut and thrust of life in the congregation more rewarding
and satisfying to the ego than the hard work of being a partner and a
parent at home in the manse. Either way, there are serious problems
developing. While many pastoral couples share the depths, not all do.
There is a loneliness for some pastors and their partners who long for
each other to be more engaged in what they are about. Trust levels and
communication border on the superficial which means that honesty and
openness in the marriage are at a low ebb. Further, mutual
accountability is thereby reduced. This means that genuine dialogue on
the tough issues does not occur leaving the pastor acutely vulnerable to
the unexpected moment of temptation with a caring member of the opposite
sex. This is not to excuse such a succumbing but it does help to
highlight the need to foster healthy pastoral marriages.

4. We are in the kindergarten when it comes to recognising and
enjoying the sexual dimensions of our humanity.

Although God judged the male – female creation as good, we are
uncertain as to how masculinity and femininity can be enjoyed within
acceptable biblical, ethical and social parameters.

On the whole the subject seems to be surrounded by a general taboo
and layers of guilt. While we have been quick to address the "thou
shalt not" areas, we have lacked the courage to acknowledge the
daily subtleties of our sexuality. We are suffocating enjoyable and
natural relationships between men and women.

It is much more than just the physical and emotional differences. It
has much more to do with the seemingly intangible. For example, males
are deeply aware of the so called "feminine mystique." They
are attracted to the intuitive and the capacity for feeling, the
alertness to levels of being which so often escape male recognition and
understanding. Femininity carries its own intrigue and fascination for
the male psyche.

The problem is that these dimensions of sexuality (and many others)
are never discussed nor is there anyone brave enough it seems to put the
reality of temptation on the line for discussion.

This inability to discuss male-female relationships in honest,
helpful and constructive ways means that no one has any real idea of how
others cope with their sexual reactions, drives and needs. This
constitutes a huge gap in authentic sharing.

For this reason, there is a real fear of admitting to anybody the
struggle for honorable motivation and purity of mind and action. As a
result a most strategic part of our humanity remains isolated from
mainstream conversation.

Conferences are held to address pastoral indiscretions, define
boundaries and develop codes of conduct but not too many to help pastors
understand and cope with their sexuality in an honest and creative way
with a full appreciation of the pastoral role and its inherent
challenges.

In short, the pastor who does face boundary problems remains
unprepared and unsupported for the tests when they come.

5. Unfortunately some pastors are accidents waiting to happen.
Dreadful as it may sound, some pastors are high risk sexually. A shaky
marriage, an inflated view of personal competence (especially in
counseling), an easy charm, a happy go lucky style with everybody, a
gift for emotion and sentiment coupled with a deplorable lack of
anticipating the consequences creates a dangerous mix. Their fall from
grace is almost certain.

What About Some Guidelines For The Future?

There are many good rules of thumb. Some suggestions:

1. Get in touch with the way your own system works. Understanding
your own sexuality is crucial. Some of us cope with our sexuality better
than others. Unhappy past experiences may dog us; past failures may yet
weigh heavily upon us. If there have been unhappy experiences in the
past (including abuse), ensure that you have attended to these with
appropriate assistance. Do not ignore past failures. Has there been
confession, repentance and forgiveness? In what ways are you now
accountable so that history will not repeat itself?

2. If you are a married pastor, work hard at enriching your
relationship. A married pastor may encourage other couples in marital
growth yet fail to nurture their own marriage. Sex may sit on the shelf
unattended thereby creating a needless vulnerability to wandering
thoughts and behaviour. Nourish that level of honesty which provides the
security of being able to signal to your partner when others are getting
too close emotionally. Under no circumstances encourage any friendship
which is improper and inappropriate. If your domestic situation allows
it, undertake visiting with your partner. This can be hard if your
partner is pursuing their own career.

3. Put an accountability procedure into place now. This should be a
little easier for a members of a pastoral team. Solo pastors need to
confide in an elder or other trusted leader. Leadership groups should be
demanding that their pastors establish such accountability as a matter
of course. There needs to be understood protocols regarding counseling
and home visitation, for example. Regular reviews should address
accountability systems and their effectiveness as a matter of course.

3. When it comes to counseling, do not claim an expertise you do not
have. Know your limits and stay within them. There are profound
differences between ongoing pastoral care and in depth counseling.
Individual counseling with a person of the opposite sex alone and long
term is an unwise and imprudent practice. If you stumble into areas of
sexual difficulty and abuse in the experience of the person you are
helping, do not proceed further if you are not appropriately trained.
Refer rapidly and retire quickly. Remember the need for accountability
at all times. There are no prizes for admitting that a counseling
situation got out of hand after the damage has been done.

4. Keep a careful balance between care of the individual and the
care of the congregation. The investment of large amounts of time in a
small number of needy people at the expense of other leadership roles
needs to be thoughtfully assessed and corrected.

5. Give the visitation ministry of the church a thoughtful rethink.
These days there are competent people in many churches who are gifted to
undertake at least some of the visitation ministry. This is particularly
helpful if you have a woman or two who can follow up with female
contacts.

Some Closing Realities

Finally, let’s identify some other realities:

* Temptations will come our way. If we are sufficiently foolish,
there will be the opportunity to manipulate, to flirt, to leave the door
deliberately open to inappropriate behaviour. Ending up in bed with the
wrong person is not an accident; it is the outcome of undisciplined and
selfish thoughts and motives with no regard whatever for the
consequences.

* The undisciplined pastor who breaks the boundaries wreaks havoc
upon family and congregation. It will take years for a church to recover
from such dislocation with many members quitting out of disappointment,
disgust or anger. Tampering with the trust of members and friends is a
devastating blow to the Body of Christ and brings the church into
disrepute in the community. The damage is long term and near to
irreparable.

* Anxieties about misperceptions and misunderstandings is leading to
an increasingly and subtle withdrawal of friendly exchanges between
genders. We are in danger of slipping into an arms length, hands off
distancing of the sexes where there is a studied commitment to awkward
and unnatural relationships. This is unhealthy and well short of what
our Creator had in mind.

This sanitising of relationships could easily lead to a pastoral
paranoia where we will have more in common with robots than real people
with real needs, real feelings and real potential for growth and
enjoyment. May that day never dawn!

Rev. John Simpson