By Matt Sanders

FORT WORTH, Texas (BP)–Pain, anger and frightening expectations
of perfection — that’s what a Southwestern Baptist Theological
Seminary professor read when he asked preachers’ children, or
PKs, who are now attending the Fort Worth, Texas, seminary to
write about their childhood.

His conclusion on the results of what he called “an unscientific
survey” is that much of the negativity is avoidable if ministers,
their spouses and churches will remember one thing:

“They’re real kids with real experiences and normal kid
feelings,” said Ian Jones, associate professor of psychology and
counseling, reading one response at Renaissance II, a Feb. 1-3
retreat at Southwestern for pastors and their wives. “Don’t
overlook their needs for real human parents to play with them and
be friends with them.”

Jones, who is also director of Southwestern’s Baptist Marriage
and Family Counseling Center, pointed out the responses are from
seminary students who represent “the ones who made it” and that
even more negative responses might be found in a more
representative sample. He also emphasized that not all the
responses were negative and much of the advice came from
respondents who had positive childhood experiences and
relationships with parents.

Some of the problems revealed in the responses included
difficulties making friends because of frequent job changes,
feeling out of place because they couldn’t afford good clothing
or clothing that fit and rebelling to prove to friends that “a
preacher’s kid can have fun.”

Jones used the responses to outline nine ways that parents in
ministry can help their children grow up in a healthier
environment.

1) Maintain a healthy balance between ministry and family.

“The most negative thing parents can do is neglect their children
for the sake of ministry,” a student wrote. “Family has to be the
number one priority. Neglecting family will drive children away
from the Lord and ministry — the things that children see as
taking their parents away.”

2) Relate to children as a parent, not as a preacher or minister.

“Let your children know that they are not responsible for their
father’s success in his work,” another student wrote. “Let your
children know that they are important to you because you love
them.”

The student went on to recommend encouraging children to express
their emotions and to listen to them with respect.

3) Spend time with your children.

“The most important advice I can offer a minister or any other
parent is to make time for their children,” a student wrote.
“Listen to them and talk about what they want to talk about. Take
interest in their lives.”

Another student advised making family traditions, playing family
games whenever traveling, including the family in moving
decisions, planning regular family night outs, staying involved
especially during transitions in their lives and spending a lot
of one-on-one time with the children.

“Keep God the center of the home,” another student wrote, adding
parents should have family devotions on a regular basis and
should involve children in ministry.

4) Pray for your children.

“Pray for your kids daily. Make prayer a vital part of family
life,” a student wrote. “Parents need to teach their children how
to pray.”

5) Don’t assume that your children will adapt to new situations.

“They’re exposed to a lot and absorb many unhealthy things
without you knowing,” a student wrote.

Another added, “Do not assume kids will automatically develop
good Christian morals and values merely because Dad works in the
ministry.”

Other responses included the importance of consistency between
what parents preached and how they lived and the need for direct
moral instruction.

“A positive aspect was that my parents lived what they taught,”
one student wrote. “Seeing that consistency and integrity is so
important.”

6) Protect them from people in the congregation who might hurt
them.

“Defend, protect their children from the congregation’s
criticism,” a student wrote.

In another response, Jones noted the underlying anger and
unresolved issues in a PK who still remembered “with sadness” how
her mother did nothing while a deacon scolded her little brother.

7) Keep the communication lines open and be vigilant.

One student confessed that the son of a deacon molested her
regularly and she never said anything because she didn’t think
anyone would believe her.

“I listened to their [her parents’] praises of the deacon and his
family and kept my guilty secret to myself,” she said.

8) Don’t single them out as different from other children in the
church.

Responses included advice to avoid saying, “You must behave this
way or that because you are the pastor’s child,” and putting
children in inappropriate situations like at an adult Sunday
school party where no other children are invited.

“The comments [from other children] of Don’t do that/Don’t say
that around her because she’s the preacher’s kid’ bothered me,”
one student wrote. “I hate being put up on a pedestal. I wish my
parents would have let me talk through my feelings about those
situations, but in my house feelings were not discussed.”

She added expectations of perfection are placed on them and that
their parents can help by “allowing their children to be normal
children who sometimes get into trouble.”

9) Love them.

“The most positive things a parent can do,” one student wrote,
“are to love their children unconditionally, involve them in
ministry, encourage their spiritual growth, demonstrate a vibrant
relationship with the Lord and teach them to love people as
Christ does.”

On the sometimes-controversial issue of friends, several
respondents advised parents to teach their children to witness to
friends and to maintain an open house where friends can
experience a Christian home.

Another piece of advice involved setting up a support group where
PKs can talk with other PKs their age about “the unique stress
they experience as ministers’ kids.”

“Part of what has brought healing in my life has been the
experience of sharing with other PKs who have watched churches
split and parents lose their jobs as ministers,” one student
wrote. “PKs are helped when they find out there are other PKs out
there who are frustrated by being expected to live up to
impossible perfection.”

Renaissance II was sponsored by Southwestern’s Center for
Ministry Empowerment, a service of the Hultgren Chair of Pastoral
Care, currently occupied by professor C.W. Brister.