Thomas F. Fischer, M.Div., M.S.A.

You’ve been hurt…and hurt badly.

Church conflict has worked on you. You are an emotional basket case. You are physically
drained. Your energies are depleted. Your motivation is simply to survive. The pain is
great and you just want to try to make it through another day.

Through the experience of church conflict, the rejection, the feelings of failure, you
have been traumatized. You feel like everything is out of control and what is not yet out
of control soon will be. You’ve been overwhelmed. Your coping mechanisms have blown out.
All you want to do is get out  and get away. Like Elijah, you want to isolate
yourself from others. You have this burning desire to find a broom tree and just be by
yourself…safe, untouched, and away from the pain of being with people.

Don’t Talk, Don’t Trust, Don’t Feel

"Don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel" is one of the most telling responses of
grief. It is a "normal" response to the shocking recognition that a valued bond
of intimacy has been broken. In order to maintain the integrity of one’s "self,"
individuals will frequently switch into "DT-DT-DF mode" to emotionally–and, if
possible, physically–isolate themselves from others so as to avoid further trauma.

Whatever the threat, the body responds with mechanisms to preserve, protect and, if
necessary, destroy the threat. It’s a normal, nature coping response in normal human
beings.

"Don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel" may also best characterize the
emotional state of those who are experiencing the devastating effects of church conflict.
It is reaction to the pain of interaction, risk, and intense emotional, physical, and
spiritual pain. Given the myriad of troubled relationships and threatened facets of
intimacy, it’s often selected among one’s best first defense.

Don’t Talk…A Defense Mechanism

Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families (not in recovery) are characterized by the
presence of the "don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel" defense mechanism. They
relied on it to protect themselves from the anger of an alcoholic parent, the emotional
trauma of sexual abuse, the rejection and guilt of an over-zealous perfectionistic parent,
or an environment in which they lived with a constant sense of abandonment and distrust.

Though the raging fires of church conflict and the trauma in dysfunctional families
seem much different, they are similar. What they share in common is that both types of
trauma often trigger disruption to the bonding process.

For this reason, the responses of individuals from dysfunctional families and
congregational leaders is similar. In some cases the trauma is magnified when individuals
from dysfunctional homes find themselves as congregational leaders in the midst of
congregational conflict.

Perhaps the most significant difference between the two groups is that the former is
generally long-term while the latter is generally short-term. The former is chronic, the
latter is acute. The former is generally life-long, the latter lasts for a relatively
shorter time (months or years). The former is character-based, the latter is grief-based.

Two Types Of Trauma Responses (Table)

Adult Child-Related Trauma Congregational Trauma chronic acute life-long (even with
recovery) short-term (months or years) character-based grief-based Don’t Talk "I
regret my words more than my silences." There is a risk in talking, sharing
information, and communicating. That risk can range anywhere from being ignored and given
a deaf ear to the most cruel forms of rejection, ostracism and, in extreme cases, death.

The experience of trauma often triggers a hesitancy whose origin is in the hurt of
broken relationships. While the hurt is still bleeding, often the best initial response is
to draw back to allow the bleeding to stop, the scab to form, and the wound to heal. By
temporarily avoiding conversation, interaction and relationships with others, one hopes to
facilitate this healing.

Don’t Trust

Self-differentiation is, to a degree, healthy. But it can be overdone to unhealthy
extremes. When one is too differentiated, one is out of the flow of the essentials of
healthy relationship. One of the most fundamental bases of these relationships is trust.
Trust is the "glue" of relational bonding.

It is the glue of intimacy. It is the glue of fellowship. Without trust, leadership
simply cannot function in a healthy way. Pastors in distrusting churches, like children in
a distrusting home, may not be able to change the dysfunctional patterns in their
respective environments.

Since the externals may not be subject to easy change, they respond by changing
themselves. In terms of the "DT-DT-DF" dynamics, one of the most simple and
effective ways to defend oneself is simply not to give trust to anyone who has the
potential to harm. Rooted in fear, it is this non-trusting self-defense posture which
gives rise to a characteristic distrust of leaders.

This distrust often is a significant component of congregational conflicts in which the
pastor and other leaders are attacked. Almost ironically, when pastors and other leaders
are attacked in such conflict, they regress to the same instinctive response as their
attackers: don’t trust…anybody!

Mediators, consultants and denominational paracletes can find this to be a frustrating
dynamic. How can one effectively assist one whose trust mechanisms have been shattered?
How many times have the best advice and counsel to a traumatized pastor or church leader
been ignored or defied? How many times has that resulted in unnecessary proliferation and
intensification of congregational conflict? Often the reason is a distrust borne of
trauma.

Don’t Feel

"It all seems like a dream. It’s so unreal!" said one individual recently
diagnosed with a terminal cancer. This response to trauma separates the person from the
reality. The feelings are cut off. It’s hard to experience emotions. They are too painful!
The most natural and easiest initial response is to turn off the emotions. Just don’t
feel.

Psychologists call this response "Depersonalization." Depersonalization,
first officially recognized by psychiatric professionals in the official psychiatric
classification manual DSM-II, involves a "feeling of unreality and estrangement from
one’s body, self, or surroundings." Subsequent DSM editions described it as "a
change in the experience or perception of the self in such a way that one’s own reality
was temporarily changed or lost" (DSM-III).

Depersonalization happens as part of the initial normal response to grief and trauma.
Persistence and severity are the two main factors which differentiate "normal"
and "clinical" types of depersonalization. DSM-IV indicated that distress or
impairments in social or occupational function are also components of depersonalization.
DSM-IV criteria identifies "depersonalization" in marked or "clinically
significant" levels as indicators of clinical depersonalization.

Characteristics Of Depersonalization

1) As many as 50% of normal people will experience depersonalization;

2) Depersonalization occurs twice as often in women than in men;

3) Depersonalization occurs predominantly in individuals under 40;

4) Depersonalization appears in response to life-threatening danger such as accident,
serious illness, major trauma, etc.;

5) In normal persons exposed to danger, there are "no essential differences from
episodes of depersonalization that occur in the context of psychiatric illness";

6) Depersonalization is the third most-heard complaint among psychiatric patients,
following depression and anxiety;

7) Depersonalization is usually found as a symptom connected with other emotions such
as depression or anxiety;

8) Depersonalization is characterized by feelings of panic, anxiety and emptiness. The
strange, dream-like quality can be extremely uncomfortable.

As with other reactive trauma responses, depersonalization is a valuable component of
personality. Dr. Glen O. Gabbard in his book, Psychodynamic Psychiatry in Clinical
Practice: The DSM-IV Edition (American Psychiatric Press, 1994), observed, "There may
be survival value in developing a split between an observing self and a participating self
in a moment of crisis so that a person has the necessary detachment to think of ways to
maneuver out of a perilous situation" (p. 317).*

Victims of severe child abuse often experience depersonalization. In order to escape
the intense feelings of fear, guilt and dread, they shut off their feelings and experience
depersonalization.

When recounting their child abuse later in life, they often describe how they could see
themselves from a distance being abused. In most severe cases, the description can be
reminiscent of accounts of near-death experiences in which patients can view themselves
and their situation from a detached perspective.

Back To Your Trauma

Perhaps if there is any value to the above discussion, it is that it describes some of
the pain and hurt which leaders can experience. Congregational experiences can be cruel,
vicious and heart-wrenching. The intense trauma which can be experienced in the
"family" of Christ often seems to parallel that found in domestic violence.
"Family" can be the best of things and the worst of things. As long as they are
in this world, leaders and members of God’s family may experience both.

Perhaps the most critical thing when traumatized is to recognize that there will be a
time when "DT-DT-DF" dynamics will take hold. They will dominate. They will take
hold. They will be there to protect. Such is normal and expected. When it comes, welcome
it…but don’t give it a home in your heart.

Recovering From The Trauma

There are many ancillary affects of "DT-DT-DF." Whether it’s extreme
loneliness, depression, anxiety, self-doubt, loss of vigor, a pervasive sense of
purposelessness and, among other things, a doubting of one’s calling, unless one takes
immediate steps toward recovery, one risks the intensification of this normal acute
response into a more intense, chronic form.

Untreated and un-addressed, the "DT-DT-DF" response will erode the bonds one
experiences with significant others–friends, family, spouse and God. The excruciating
pain of broken intimate relationships will demand to be addressed. If not gained through
healthy means of recovering, unhealthy means of numbing the pain will inevitably be
sought.

Treating Trauma’s Pain

What will be used to cover trauma’s pain will be what works best for the individual. It
could be just "innocently" having a couple of extra drinks, working harder,
becoming engaged in a compulsive activity, or anything that can potentially destroy one
personally and professionally. In this context, perhaps not all sexual misconduct should
be considered equal.

This is not to say that sexual misconduct is not a moral failure. It is. But there may
be some cases in which the pervasive effects of unresolved trauma and not the
character-based habitual promiscuity are really the causes of the behaviors. At the same
time, one must not overlook the possibility that promiscuity is, in itself, a trauma
response which masks the pain of a multitude of chronic bonding disorders and
developmental dysfunction.

When brought back into healthy forms and expressions of intimacy–and talking,
trusting, and feeling return–the pain triggering inappropriate sexual proclivities is
alleviated. When healing occurs, the "normal" self returns. In those
circumstances in which remarkably gifted Christian leaders experience intense
traumatization, it may be best for denominational overseers to take a rehabilitative
approach instead of a legalistic approach.

Though the manner and degree of rehabilitation for those caught in trauma-generated
sexual misconduct will vary, the approach used by denominational overseers can do much to
either increase the pain or direct the individual toward healing and rehabilitation.

Some Specific Paths To Healing

One of the keys for healing trauma is to regain one’s rooted-ness in relationship. For
this reason, the most obvious first steps to healing are to begin talking, trusting and
feeling. Specifically, this requires the rebuilding of the "Five Types of Coping
Relationships" (cf. Ministry Health Article #14 ).

Renewing old friendships, risking new friendships, repairing the breakdown of intimacy
with one’s spouse and children is tough work. Counseling can be essential to repair and
strengthen these foundational sources of  intimacy and affirmation.

Re-learning to talk, trust and feel with members of the congregation is also essential.
Undoubtedly, traumatized leaders have been rejected, betrayed, slandered, unjustly
criticized, publicly scorned and broken down in virtually every area essential for a sense
of well-being and flow. But one’s healing will not occur until one extends the
"hard" handshakes, looks offenders confidently in the eye, and extends genuine
forgiveness…even when they don’t forgive. The cumulative affects of this trauma are,
admittedly, devastating. But life must go on. Even if confidants have abandoned the
traumatized leader or are no longer accessible, one must seek the road to healthy
relationship.

Learning (Or Re-Learning) How To Bond

For some, the reason the trauma is unbearable is that it exposed their own inability to
bond to others in intimate, trusting, and vulnerable relationships. For others, the trauma
caused the annihilation of years of building trusting, bonded relationships. Either way,
the path to recovery is identical. One must learn to bond again.

What can one do to bond? Henry Cloud lists the following skills needed bonding skills
in chapter five of his book, Changes That Heal (Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing, 1992,
pp. 82ff):

1) Realize The Need For Bonding. "It is not good for man to live alone,"
  God said in Genesis 1. Cloud recalls St. Paul’s words, "The eye cannot say to
the hand, ‘I don’t need you!’ If one part suffers, every part suffers  with it"
(I Cor. 12:21, 26 NIV).

2) Move Toward Others. This is the only antidote for the emotional isolation which
trauma can generate. As painful as it is, traumatized individuals do need others. The
longer one internalizes the pain, the longer they go without sharing the full extent of it
with another, the more invasive and long-term the trauma response will be. It’s a
difficult burden. Unload it–ASAP–before it really hurts you!

3) Be Vulnerable. Part of the trauma experienced is a recognition that one is not in
control. No matter how good the plans, how skillful the execution, how passionate the
promotion, and how flawless the implementation, trauma teaches the universal lesson: you
are vulnerable. You will fail. You will be attacked. Being vulnerable is threatening. It
requires the appropriate revelation of self to others. It opens one up to attack. But no
lasting bond of intimacy is created without it. As Cloud notes, "Vulnerability is a
skill that opens up the heart for love to take root" (p. 83).

4) Challenge and Change Distorted Thinking. Though significant people have betrayed
you, not everyone will. Though you undoubtedly made some mistakes or could have/should
have done something better, you’re not a failure.

Just because you were unfairly rejected by others doesn’t mean you have a spiritual
gift of angering others. Distorted thinking denies reality. It denies that fact that
betrayal happens. Mistakes happen. Failure happens. Rejection happens. Anger happens.

Conflict happens. All these–and more–experiences happen not just to you, but to
others as well. The reason you don’t hear about it from other pastors is that they may be
traumatized. They may not be able to bond. They may not be able to challenge and change
their thinking. The issue is not "Does your church have any problems?" Instead,
the real issue may be, "Does your church encourage bonded-ness, intimacy and
relationship to help individuals go through the necessary transformations which lead to
healthy bonding?"

Other Necessary Bonding Skills

Cloud mentions a number of other bonding skills as well. These include "Allowing
Dependent Feelings," "Recognize Defenses," "Become More Comfortable
With Anger," "Be Empathetic," "Say ‘Yes’ To Life," and spiritual
things such as "Pray and Meditate" and "Rely on the Holy Spirit."

Perhaps the most critical of these skills listed is "Take Risks." It’s
remarkable to think that what is feared most is the most powerful key to renewal. Whether
it’s taking the risk to talk, trust and feel or resuming the important and essential role
as congregational change agent, it’s taking the risk that is the hardest–and most
important–aspect of bonding.

Because it is an absolutely critical component for trauma recovery, the ability to take
risks becomes the most important indicator of healing. Certainly there will always be some
fear. Getting hurt again is certainly not anyone’s lifetime ambition. But when one has the
stamina, the purpose, the energy and relationship bonds healed, the propensity to risk
overcomes the fear.

Take A Risk!

Even as risking is the primary indicator of healthy bonding and relational intimacy in
individuals, it is also perhaps the most important indicator of a healthy, vigorous,
relationally-bonded congregation. Traumatized as God’s leaders may become, it is the risk
of ministry which defines ministry. When God called Joshua and the people of Israel to
descend down the steep bank of the rapidly flowing Jordan river, God didn’t tell Joshua to
find a "flunkie" to put his foot into the water to test it. Instead, He called
Joshua to send the priests and their most valuable possession–the Ark–first. To enter
the Promised Land was an "all or nothing" proposition. Indeed, as God repeatedly
demonstrates, those leaders and congregations not willing to risk will not make it to the
"Promised Land" of ministry.

God Is Calling You To Healing

God calls everyone to His service. In trauma, this calling becomes tested in virtually
the greatest way imaginable. When this trauma occurs, recognize it for what it is. God is
not necessarily calling you out of the ministry. He’s calling you to a deeper experience
of ministry. He’s testing you. As the test draws to a conclusion, the startling awareness
that results is that God has transformed us. We’re not the same as we used to be.

Instead, God is drawing us to new directions, new ministries and new and deeper
relationships with others…and with Him. The Lord is your "Refuge and Strength, a
very present Help in trouble. Therefore, do not fear…" He’s there in trauma. He’s
there in healing. God is the one relationship which will never fail you.

Talk to Him, trust Him, and feel His presence working through the unshakable promises
of His Word working your ministry. It is the regular practice of talking, trusting and
feeling His present grace in your ministry which is your greatest strength. Go for it!

"Love like you’ve never been hurt, dance like no one’s watching!" and make
sure to say whatever you feel at the moment you feel it, or you may never get the chance
again!"

Thomas F. Fischer

  © Copyright 1997, 1998, 1999 Thomas F. Fischer–All Rights Reserved

Thomas F. Fischer, M.Div., M.S.A., Editor

Ministry Health Web Site

http://genesis.acu.edu/ministryhealth

Support For Your Ministry In Jesus Christ!