One of the most difficult and confusing experiences of ministry is the experience of trauma. Though it may have multiple sources, the trauma is always a difficult and spiritually agonizing experience.

This piece helps to identify the difficulties of dealing with trauma…and gives a suggested blueprint for gaining a strong sense of self and calling in Jesus Christ.

Thomas F. Fischer <
>

—————–

You’ve been hurt…and hurt badly.

Church conflict has worked on you. You are an emotional basket case. You are physically drained. Your energies are depleted. Your motivation is simply to survive. The pain is great and you just want to try to make it through another day.

Through the experience of church conflict, the rejection, the feelings of failure, you have been traumatized. You feel like everything is out of control and what is not yet out of control soon will be. You’ve been overwhelmed. Your coping mechanisms have blown out. All you want to do is get out and get away. Like Elijah, you want to isolate yourself from others. You have this burning desire to find a broom tree and just be by yourself…safe, untouched, and away from the pain of being with people.

Don’t Talk, Don’t Trust, Don’t Feel

“Don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel” is one of the most telling responses of grief. It is a “normal” response to the shocking recognition that a valued bond of intimacy has been broken.

In order to maintain the integrity of one’s “self,” individuals will frequently switch into “DT-DT-DF mode” to emotionally–and, if possible, physically–isolate themselves from others so as to avoid further trauma. Whatever the threat, the body responds with mechanisms to preserve, protect and, if necessary, destroy the threat. It’s a normal, nature coping response in normal human beings.

“Don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel” may also best characterize the emotional state of those who are experiencing the devastating effects of church conflict. It is reaction to the pain of interaction, risk, and intense emotional, physical, and spiritual pain. Given the myriad of troubled relationships and threatened facets of intimacy, it’s often selected among one’s best first defense.

Don’t Talk…A Defense Mechanism

Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families (not in recovery) are characterized by the presence of the “don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel” defense mechanism. They relied on it to protect themselves from the anger of an alcoholic parent, the emotional trauma of sexual abuse, the rejection and guilt of an over-zealous perfectionistic parent, or an environment in which they lived with a constant sense of abandonment and distrust.

Though the raging fires of church conflict and the trauma in dysfunctional families seem much different, they are similar. What they share in common is that both types of trauma often trigger disruption to the bonding process. For this reason, the responses of individuals from dysfunctional families and congregational leaders is similar. In some cases the trauma is magnified when individuals from dysfunctional homes find themselves as congregational leaders in the midst of congregational conflict.

Perhaps the most significant difference between the two groups is that the former is generally long-term while the latter is generally short-term. The former is chronic, the latter is acute. The former is generally life-long, the latter lasts for a relatively shorter time (months or years). The former is character- based, the latter is grief-based.

Two Types Of Trauma Responses (Table)

Adult Child-Related Trauma Congregational Trauma

chronic acute life-long (even with recovery) short-term (months or years) character-based grief-based

Don’t Talk

“I regret my words more than my silences.” There is a risk in talking, sharing information, and communicating. That risk can range anywhere from being ignored and given a deaf ear to the most cruel forms of rejection, ostracism and, in extreme cases, death.

The experience of trauma often triggers a hesitancy whose origin is in the hurt of broken relationships. While the hurt is still bleeding, often the best initial response is to draw back to allow the bleeding to stop, the scab to form, and the wound to heal. By temporarily avoiding conversation, interaction and relationships with others, one hopes to facilitate this healing.

Don’t Trust

Self-differentiation is, to a degree, healthy. But it can be overdone to unhealthy extremes. When one is too differentiated, one is out of the flow of the essentials of healthy relationship. One of the most fundamental bases of these relationships is trust. Trust is the “glue” of relational bonding. It is the glue of intimacy. It is the glue of fellowship.

Without trust, leadership simply cannot function in a healthy way. Pastors in distrusting churches, like children in a distrusting home, may not be able to change the dysfunctional patterns in their respective environments. Since the externals may not be subject to easy change, they respond by changing themselves.

In terms of the “DT-DT-DF” dynamics, one of the most simple and effective ways to defend oneself is simply not to give trust to anyone who has the potential to harm. Rooted in fear, it is this non-trusting self-defense posture which gives rise to a characteristic distrust of leaders.

This distrust often is a significant component of congregational conflicts in which the pastor and other leaders are attacked. Almost ironically, when pastors and other leaders are attacked in such conflict, they regress to the same instinctive response as their attackers: don’t trust…anybody!

Mediators, consultants and denominational paracletes can find this to be a frustrating dynamic. How can one effectively assist one whose trust mechanisms have been shattered? How many times have the best advice and counsel to a traumatized pastor or church leader been ignored or defied? How many times has that resulted in unnecessary proliferation and intensification of congregational conflict? Often the reason is a distrust borne of trauma.

Don’t Feel

“It all seems like a dream. It’s so unreal!” said one individual recently diagnosed with a terminal cancer. This response to trauma separates the person from the reality. The feelings are cut off. It’s hard to experience emotions. They are too painful! The most natural and easiest initial response is to turn off the emotions. Just don’t feel.

Psychologists call this response “Depersonalization.” Depersonalization, first officially recognized by psychiatric professionals in the official psychiatric classification manual DSM- II, involves a “feeling of unreality and estrangement from one’s body, self, or surroundings.” Subsequent DSM editions described it as “a change in the experience or perception of the self in such a way that one’s own reality was temporarily changed or lost” (DSM- III).

Depersonalization happens as part of the initial normal response to grief and trauma. Persistence and severity are the two main factors which differentiate “normal” and “clinical” types of depersonalization. DSM-IV indicated that distress or impairments in social or occupational function are also components of depersonalization. DSM-IV criteria identifies “depersonalization” in marked or “clinically significant” levels as indicators of clinical depersonalization.

Characteristics Of Depersonalization

1) As many as 50% of normal people will experience
depersonalization;

2) Depersonalization occurs twice as often in women than in men;

3) Depersonalization occurs predominantly in individuals under 40;

4) Depersonalization appears in response to life-threatening
danger such as accident, serious illness, major trauma, etc.;

5) In normal persons exposed to danger, there are “no essential
differences from episodes of depersonalization that occur in the context of psychiatric illness”;

6) Depersonalization is the third most-heard complaint among
psychiatric patients, following depression and anxiety;

7) Depersonalization is usually found as a symptom connected with
other emotions such as depression or anxiety;

8) Depersonalization is characterized by feelings of panic,
anxiety and emptiness. The strange, dream-like quality can be extremely uncomfortable. As with other reactive trauma responses, depersonalization is a valuable component of personality. Dr. Glen O. Gabbard in his book, Psychodynamic Psychiatry in Clinical Practice: The DSM-IV Edition (American Psychiatric Press, 1994), observed,

“There may be survival value in developing a split between an observing self and a participating self in a moment of crisis so that a person has the necessary detachment to think of ways to maneuver out of a perilous situation” (p. 317).* Victims of severe child abuse often experience depersonalization. In order to escape the intense feelings of fear, guilt and dread, they shut off their feelings and experience depersonalization.

When recounting their child abuse later in life, they often describe how they could see themselves from a distance being abused. In most severe cases, the description can be reminiscent of accounts of near-death experiences in which patients can view themselves and their situation from a detached perspective.

Back To Your Trauma

Perhaps if there is any value to the above discussion, it is that it describes some of the pain and hurt which leaders can experience. Congregational experiences can be cruel, vicious and heart-wrenching. The intense trauma which can be experienced in the “family” of Christ often seems to parallel that found in domestic violence. “Family” can be the best of things and the worst of things. As long as they are in this world, leaders and members of God’s family may experience both.

Perhaps the most critical thing when traumatized is to recognize that there will be a time when “DT-DT-DF” dynamics will take hold. They will dominate. They will take hold. They will be there to protect. Such is normal and expected. When it comes, welcome it…but don’t give it a home in your heart.

Recovering From The Trauma . . .