by Thomas F. Fischer <
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Recovering From The Trauma

There are many ancillary affects of “DT-DT-DF.” Whether it’s extreme loneliness, depression, anxiety, self-doubt, loss of vigor, a pervasive sense of purposelessness and, among other things, a doubting of one’s calling, unless one takes immediate steps toward recovery, one risks the intensification of this normal acute response into a more intense, chronic form.

Untreated and un-addressed, the “DT-DT-DF” response will erode the bonds one experiences with significant others–friends, family, spouse and God. The excruciating pain of broken intimate relationships will demand to be addressed. If not gained through healthy means of recovering, unhealthy means of numbing the pain will inevitably be sought.

Treating Trauma’s Pain

What will be used to cover trauma’s pain will be what works best for the individual. It could be just “innocently” having a couple of extra drinks, working harder, becoming engaged in a compulsive activity, or anything that can potentially destroy one personally and professionally. In this context, perhaps not all sexual misconduct should be considered equal.

This is not to say that sexual misconduct is not a moral failure. It is. But there may be some cases in which the pervasive effects of unresolved trauma and not the character-based habitual promiscuity are really the causes of the behaviors. At the same time, one must not overlook the possibility that promiscuity is, in itself, a trauma response which masks the pain of a multitude of chronic bonding disorders and developmental dysfunction.

When brought back into healthy forms and expressions of intimacy– and talking, trusting, and feeling return–the pain triggering inappropriate sexual proclivities is alleviated. When healing occurs, the “normal” self returns. In those circumstances in which remarkably gifted Christian leaders experience intense traumatization, it may be best for denominational overseers to take a rehabilitative approach instead of a legalistic approach.

Though the manner and degree of rehabilitation for those caught in trauma-generated sexual misconduct will vary, the approach used by denominational overseers can do much to either increase the pain or direct the individual toward healing and rehabilitation.

Some Specific Paths To Healing

One of the keys for healing trauma is to regain one’s rooted-ness in relationship. For this reason, the most obvious first steps to healing are to begin talking, trusting and feeling. Specifically, this requires the rebuilding of the “Five Types of Coping Relationships” (cf. Ministry Health Article #14 ).

Renewing old friendships, risking new friendships, repairing the breakdown of intimacy with one’s spouse and children is tough work. Counseling can be essential to repair and strengthen these foundational sources of intimacy and affirmation.

Re-learning to talk, trust and feel with members of the congregation is also essential. Undoubtedly, traumatized leaders have been rejected, betrayed, slandered, unjustly criticized, publicly scorned and broken down in virtually every area essential for a sense of well-being and flow.

But one’s healing will not occur until one extends the “hard” handshakes, looks offenders confidently in the eye, and extends genuine forgiveness…even when they don’t forgive.

The cumulative affects of this trauma are, admittedly, devastating. But life must go on. Even if confidants have abandoned the traumatized leader or are no longer accessible, one must seek the road to healthy relationship.

Learning (Or Re-Learning) How To Bond

For some, the reason the trauma is unbearable is that it exposed their own inability to bond to others in intimate, trusting, and vulnerable relationships. For others, the trauma caused the annihilation of years of building trusting, bonded relationships. Either way, the path to recovery is identical. One must learn to bond again.

What can one do to bond? Henry Cloud lists the following skills needed bonding skills in chapter five of his book, Changes That Heal (Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing, 1992, pp. 82ff):

1) Realize The Need For Bonding. “It is not good for man to live
alone,” God said in Genesis 1. Cloud recalls St. Paul’s words, “The eye cannot say to the hand, ‘I don’t need you!’ If one part suffers, every part suffers with it” (I Cor. 12:21, 26 NIV).

2) Move Toward Others. This is the only antidote for the emotional
isolation which trauma can generate. As painful as it is, traumatized individuals do need others. The longer one internalizes the pain, the longer they go without sharing the full extent of it with another, the more invasive and long-term the trauma response will be. It’s a difficult burden. Unload it–ASAP–before it really hurts you!

3) Be Vulnerable. Part of the trauma experienced is a recognition
that one is not in control. No matter how good the plans, how skillful the execution, how passionate the promotion, and how flawless the implementation, trauma teaches the universal lesson: you are vulnerable. You will fail. You will be attacked.

Being vulnerable is threatening. It requires the appropriate revelation of self to others. It opens one up to attack. But no lasting bond of intimacy is created without it. As Cloud notes, “Vulnerability is a skill that opens up the heart for love to take root” (p. 83).

4) Challenge and Change Distorted Thinking. Though significant
people have betrayed you, not everyone will. Though you undoubtedly made some mistakes or could have/should have done something better, you’re not a failure. Just because you were unfairly rejected by others doesn’t mean you have a spiritual gift of angering others.

Distorted thinking denies reality. It denies that fact that betrayal happens. Mistakes happen. Failure happens. Rejection happens. Anger happens. Conflict happens. All these–and more– experiences happen not just to you, but to others as well. The reason you don’t hear about it from other pastors is that they may be traumatized. They may not be able to bond. They may not be able to challenge and change their thinking. The issue is not “Does your church have any problems?” Instead, the real issue may be,

“Does your church encourage bonded-ness, intimacy and relationship to help individuals go through the necessary transformations which lead to healthy bonding?”

Other Necessary Bonding Skills

Cloud mentions a number of other bonding skills as well. These include “Allowing Dependent Feelings,” “Recognize Defenses,” “Become More Comfortable With Anger,” “Be Empathetic,” “Say ‘Yes’ To Life,” and spiritual things such as “Pray and Meditate” and “Rely on the Holy Spirit.”

Perhaps the most critical of these skills listed is “Take Risks.” It’s remarkable to think that what is feared most is the most powerful key to renewal. Whether it’s taking the risk to talk, trust and feel or resuming the important and essential role as congregational change agent, it’s taking the risk that is the hardest–and most important–aspect of bonding.

Because it is an absolutely critical component for trauma recovery, the ability to take risks becomes the most important indicator of healing. Certainly there will always be some fear. Getting hurt again is certainly not anyone’s lifetime ambition. But when one has the stamina, the purpose, the energy and relationship bonds healed, the propensity to risk overcomes the fear.

Take A Risk!

Even as risking is the primary indicator of healthy bonding and relational intimacy in individuals, it is also perhaps the most important indicator of a healthy, vigorous, relationally-bonded congregation.

Traumatized as God’s leaders may become, it is the risk of ministry which defines ministry. When God called Joshua and the people of Israel to descend down the steep bank of the rapidly flowing Jordan river, God didn’t tell Joshua to find a “flunkie” to put his foot into the water to test it.

Instead, He called Joshua to send the priests and their most valuable possession–the Ark–first. To enter the Promised Land was an “all or nothing” proposition. Indeed, as God repeatedly demonstrates, those leaders and congregations not willing to risk will not make it to the “Promised Land” of ministry.

God Is Calling You To Healing

God calls everyone to His service. In trauma, this calling becomes tested in virtually the greatest way imaginable. When this trauma occurs, recognize it for what it is. God is not necessarily calling you out of the ministry. He’s calling you to a deeper experience of ministry. He’s testing you.

As the test draws to a conclusion, the startling awareness that results is that God has transformed us. We’re not the same as we used to be. Instead, God is drawing us to new directions, new ministries and new and deeper relationships with others…and with Him.

The Lord is your “Refuge and Strength, a very present Help in trouble. Therefore, do not fear…” He’s there in trauma. He’s there in healing. God is the one relationship which will never fail you.

Talk to Him, trust Him, and feel His presence working through the unshakable promises of His Word working your ministry. It is the regular practice of talking, trusting and feeling His present grace in your ministry which is your greatest strength. Go for it!

“Love like you’ve never been hurt, dance like no one’s watching!” and make sure to say whatever you feel at the moment you feel it, or you may never get the chance again!”

Thomas F. Fischer

Copyright 1997, 1998, 1999 Thomas F. Fischer–All Rights Reserved Thomas F. Fischer, M.Div., M.S.A., Editor Ministry Health Web Site
http://genesis.acu.edu/ministryhealth