(by Kim Thoday)

Pastoral care in situations of grief (by Kim Thoday)

As a Christian minister, I have found that some of the most significant
turning points in people’s lives are during and after significant
loss and grief. These are critical stages in the development of
persons whether Christian or not. Consequently, as pastoral carers
and ministers of the Christian Gospel our ministry to families and
individuals in grief are moments of profound opportunity. The following
is an example of some reflective material I have been using with
someone who is in grief through a recent family death. I pray that
it may assist other pastors.

A letter of pastoral support for someone in grief after significant
loss

Although our own grief is always unique, there are some things
that are common in the human experience of the death of someone
close to us. It is often helpful to share these things – it can
help with our sense of isolation, numbness, confusion, hurt and
so on. It can be helpful to know that we are not the only ones feeling
these new and sometimes disturbing feelings.

There are a few things I’ve learned and I wish to share them gently
with you. I am not an authority and I doubt whether anyone really
is when it comes to the great mystery of death. Other than life
itself, there is no greater mystery than death. Some people come
up with simplistic answers, but I mostly find these unhelpful. So
I don’t have too many answers. However, I can testify to the strong
love and presence of God to meet all our needs in times like these.

One of the most important things I have found is to ‘allow’ oneself
time to grieve. Sometimes we can crowd our lives with things to
do, in order to forget or defer or deny that it has really happened.
I lost my Dad (and we were very close) when I was in my early 20s
and I found it necessary, even up until a year later, just to have
times to reflect, pray and ‘feel’ my grief. Sometimes we can be
tempted to suppress our grief for a long time and that is not usually
helpful – it eventually ‘leaks out’ in unhealthy ways.

It is also important to ‘express’ feelings and to verbalise them
to people who will listen and care for us and allow us to feel.
Be careful to whom you go. A lot of people are not good at allowing
us to be ourselves at these times. Some people will come out with
silly platitudes, subtle manipulation, lack of understanding or
they may just lack confidence and insight in the area of grief.
Find someone or persons who you can trust, who can show non-judgemental
empathy and who have had experience in grief.

I also found it really helpful to know something about the processes
of grief. The process is always different for each of us. But there
are also come common denominators. In a rough order, some of the
common stages of grief in the early weeks include, shock, denial,
loneliness, guilt, anger, depression and so on. All of these feelings
can occur in the early weeks of grief. You may experience these
things in different intensities, combinations and recurrences. Some
of these may not even be applicable in your situation. Some understanding
of this process is very helpful in order to know that you are not
going crazy or necessarily falling apart. It is important to go
through these stages, to ‘feel’ them, giving them time and acceptance
and a measure of reflection, in order to move on.

It is also important not to become too self-absorbed. Being "the
victim" is not a good place to be long-term! Some people can
end up becoming too self-centred and wallow in their grief. If we
get stuck in a certain stage of grief we need to begin to find ways
of letting go. This might mean help from a mentor. It may mean that
at some point we have to get tough on ourselves and accept that
life needs to move along. It may mean focussing on something else
for a time; finding an interest or some activity that revitalises
and re-energises us. Prayer and Bible reading can be very beneficial.
I also found listening to music in a relaxed setting therapeutic.

Some of what I am saying may be a little premature. When you are
deeply in grief, sometimes you can’t ‘hear’ much at all. It may
be useful to re-read this letter at a later time. Try not to tear
it up yet. I remember very clearly that in the midst of overwhelming
grief it was even difficult to place one foot in front of the other,
let alone think logically. Some of this, or most, may at this point
not make much sense or may not seem to apply to you. It may be that
some of what I am sharing will make more sense and be of more help
at a later time.

I believe that being open to God is the most important aspect in
the processes of grief. What do I mean by that? I mean to try to
open your feelings and your mind up to the ‘inner voice’ of God
within the human spirit. This is the ‘voice’ that resides in all
of us that desires the very best for us. This is the quiet voice
that gently advocates on our behalf, so that mature growth can emerge
from the deepest losses and tragedies. The Gospel stories show time
and again that God makes his purposes known in human trouble and
suffering. God’s greatest moment of love and self-disclosure happens
not on a mountain, no, it occurs on a rubbish tip outside Jerusalem,
when Jesus, the Son of Love, is tortured and executed.

If we open ourselves to God’s Spirit, if we let our guard down
to the embodiment of Trust, then God is able to heal us in our grief.
But this takes time, prayer and often some decisions of the will.
A saint of the Church once said: "Only in the darkest night
does the eye begin to see clearly." Albert Camus said: "In
the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible
summer." We need to be open to this possibility, this hope.
Without God it is only ever a possibility. With God, the invincible
summer becomes a promise. Perhaps it is only poetry and metaphor
(or music or art) that can make meaning in the midst of the maelstrom.
The mystery of death cannot be explained. By definition mystery
defies explanation. Yet there is a longing in every human heart
to express the feelings and experiences of the fragile flower of
being human. Throughout the course of our lives there are particular
moments when we must make a choice: will you choose life and hope
or death and despair?

There is always a multitude of hurdles to negotiate in the recovery
process of grief. Intrinsic to a healthy process of grief is gradual
recovery of meaning and purpose to your life. Grief can be the road
to recovery. Yet within the fog of grief, recovery is hard to contemplate.
I remember feeling at times an intense resentment that the world
seemed unchanged or unaffected by the loss of my father. With the
funeral over people I knew soon seemed to forget. Yet I remained
so affected. I remember how for a long time I had little interest
in the things that I used to hold as so important. Existence itself
seemed meaningless. There were times when I really felt that it
didn’t matter whether I lived or died. At times, in the initial
weeks of grief, I felt paralysed, numb and fragmented.

One of the saddest issues to face is that ‘part of you’ dies when
someone you love dies. Part of me died when Dad died. That is, my
Dad and I had a relationship that was unique and unrepeatable. Your
loved one, and he or she alone, understands you and you, them, in
a way that no one else can. Some things only my Dad knew or understood
about me. In short, we grieve our own inner loss.

There are some big barriers to healing after significant loss.
Yet, by the grace of God, such barriers can be transformed into
catalysts of growth, maturity, character formation and fulfilment.
The love and grace of God does not shield us from the realities
of grief, but God, through Jesus Christ, will give us the means
to work through grief to become more whole, loving, intentional
and understanding people. But for this to happen we have to decide
to take some risks and confront and fully experience our pain and
sorrow and fear.

There are many other thoughts I would like to share, but this is
likely enough for now. I hope its not too much already. Grief is
a very sacred and private affair, and it is easy for someone to
tread too heavily upon another’s territory in attempting to care
and support. However, I hope at least some of what I have tried
to express may resonate with your experiences and be of Christ-like
assistance. This will be my prayer. What I can testify to, is that
in working through intense grief, God revealed things to me which
have made me a more compassionate person and which have given me
a greater certainty of the power of the Gospel.

"Blessed are those who grieve, for they shall be comforted"
(Matt 5:4)

"Jesus comforts us in all our troubles, so that we in turn
may be able to comfort others in any trouble of theirs" (2
Corinthians 1:4)

Grace and Peace,

KIM THODAY, HEWETT COMMUNITY CHURCH OF CHRIST, SOUTH AUTRALIA

http://www.hewett.com.au