===>>> In what circumstances should pastors communicate with ‘unchurched’ or ‘other-churched’ spouses/ex’ers/partners of church members?

1. Australia is a free country in terms of ‘freedom of speech/assembly’: anyone is, in principle, allowed to talk with anyone else without being censured/censored by anyone – unless the courts-of-law issue an injunction prohibiting such actions to protect people from abuse/stalking etc.

2. Most pastors wear four ‘hats’ essentially, and thus four broad sets of protocols apply:

2-1. Prophetic : throughout history, if the Lord commands an authentic prophet to speak to somebody, then no one else has the authority to prohibit/obstruct ‘the word of the Lord’!

2-2. Confessor: persons have the right to confidentiality in terms of their both _seeing_ a confessor, and in terms of the _content_ of the confession.

2-3. Evangelist: we are committed in terms of Jesus’ mandate to communicate the Good News to ‘_every_ creature/human’. But if a person doesn’t want to hear, then forcing ourselves on them is likely to be counterproductive and alienating. Occasionally a Christian family-member will ask an over-conscientious evangelist to ‘lay off’ ‘coming on strong’ with someone in their family (I’ve had to do that with one or two who want to evangelize our 42-year old son, who is on a journey out of the church at the moment. They’re doing more harm than good).

2-4. Pastoral counsellor. This is the most complex, I believe. A pastor is always contacting family-members of church-attenders in the course of her/his pastoral work. Non-attending husbands of Christian women at our church, for example, answer the phone often when I call, and we chat together. If they suffer a life-crisis such as a bereavement, it is usual for a pastor to visit and offer sensitive pastoral care and comfort. Now, in the unusual/uncommon circumstance of a church-attender asking that a pastor desist from contacting family-members, for whatever reason, I believe the pastor should honour that – within the constraints of 2:1 – 3 above (and then maybe after prayer and perhaps counsel from a mentor/spiritual director/supervisor). If the church-attender gives the further directive: ‘you may contact my spouse/’ex/partner, but I want to know about whether the contact happens’, then generally I believe that prescription ought to be honoured as well – though, again, within the constraints set by 2:1 – 3 above.

When I teach this sort of thing to pastoral seminars/conferences, we usually look at case-studies. These are sometimes ‘extreme’ or unusual situations, but they throw up issues for special clarification. Here’s one from a Third World missionary context:

*** Imagine this scenario: a woman ‘becomes a Christian’ and joins the church. She is divorced from her husband and tells the pastor: ‘I don’t want you or anyone else from the church evangelizing my ex-husband. I want him to rot in hell for what he did to me.’ How would you respond? (That story is not hypothetical, BTW). A recent response from a ‘netfriend suggested that we ‘teach grace’ to the woman: her vindictiveness is not in the spirit of Jesus who instructs us to forgive to the nth degree, reconcile with the other, etc. etc. (See, for example, the classic ‘love your enemies’ injunctions, eg. Matthew 5: 43-48, Romans 12: 19-21, the ‘command’ of Paul to be reconciled to the husband 1 Corinthians 7:10ff., and Jesus’ words about reconciliation within the church, Matthew 5:21-26 and 18:15-17). However, and I believe this is very important, to coerce someone to ‘forgive totally/instantly’ the abuser may be another form of abuse! The _desire ultimately_ to forgive is the Christian response, and we must relate very sensitively to those who have been wounded in abusive situations. Some miracles take longer!

That’ll do for now. There are other dimensions/issues. but they can wait.

Shalom!

Rowland Croucher

http://jmm.org.au/index.htm (9200+ articles)