Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced
today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source
said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years, ever since the rise of the
Muslim Empire.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost
of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for
both sides. By combining forces, we’re told, the world will be able to enjoy
consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Christmukah, as the new
holiday is being called. Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids
a-milking being the hardest hit.

As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in
Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also,
instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there", the message on the
dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens". In exchange, it is
believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources
for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the
agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children
could leave milk and cookies for Santa after having eaten meat for dinner.

A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides
appeared happy about this. A spokesperson for Christmas, Inc, declined to say whether a
takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it
not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah
might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all
concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed
the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy, Come All
Ye Faithful."

Cheers,

(The Rev.) Edward Chinn, D.Min.