Humor
DEFINITIONS
The Washington Post’s Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year’s winners: 1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. […]
Invoice Paid
Last year I replaced several windows in my house. They were the expensive double-insulated energy efficient windows. This week I got a call from the contractor complaining that the work has been done for a year and I had failed to pay for them. Boy, oh boy, did we go ’round and ’round. I told […]
Upgrade
A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to […]
Foreign Languages
A Swiss guy visited Sydney, Australia, and pulled up at a bus stop where two locals were waiting. “Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asked. The two Aussies just stared at him. “Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?” he tried. The two continued to stare. “Parlare Italiano?” Other than a glance at each other, there was still […]
Cooking
At breakfast one day, I eagerly waited for John to comment on my first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls. After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, “If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?” Without looking up from his newspaper John replied, “About 10 years.”
Bulletin Bloopers
These are ACTUAL announcements from church bulletins: 1. Don’t let worry kill you. Let the Church help. 2. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. 3. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 4. We are pleased to announce the […]
World leaders
HU’S ON FIRST (We take you now to the Oval Office. “W” meets with Condalessa Rice) George: Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening? Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China. George: Great. Lay it on me. Condi: Hu is the new leader of China. George: That’s what I […]
Oh Deer
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs, chewing on a razor blade? Still no b…. idea What do you call a deer with no […]
Results count
A minister has just died and is standing in line waiting to be judged and admitted to Heaven. While waiting he asks the man in front of him about himself. The man says, “I am a taxi driver from New York City.” The angel standing at the gate calls out next, and the taxi driver […]
Marriage one-liners
Red Skelton’s tips for a Happy Marriage: 1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays. 2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson. 3. I take […]
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